AULIA ::the maiden name of angels::

L'amitie cooking project

2012-01-28T02:39:00.000-08:00

couple days ago, i went out of town to visit my girl friends. we had meeting, girls night out, sleep over at Piwi's house, and the day after we had a cooking project. it was great. we shared so many things. our feelings, our recent issues, our previous relationships, and our best friend agendas.

this picture taken in Galaxy Mall, we usually have a girl's meeting there.

we discuss mostly anything :)

there were five of us: Britney, Inez, Ndonk, Piwi, me. Nesya couldn't make it that time, she had another business in town.

this is our home made lasagna, believe me the taste is better than the picture

we talked a lot, we had a karaoke night, and watched Monte Carlo afterwards. in that meeting, we realized that we grew old. some of us will continue study, the rest of us will look for job after graduation. i can't imagine how sad i am if we'll be separated someday... our friendship, somehow, is like a sunrise. it is always beautiful. i don't have to dream about our togetherness, because every morning the sun will raise again. realizing that this togetherness won't last forever is freakin' me out.
i can't stand everything alone :'( God, i am crying....

Stupid pose at Garuda Wisnu Kencana Bali, this picture is taken in 2011

Being a teenager, means being into on and off relationships, and in every break ups, i know i have best friends around me. i can't imagine, if i have them no more. whom i can rely on?
i post my best friends pictures here. i will miss those moment for sure

our togetherness is so sweet. we've been into fighting, crying, mumble grumble moment...almost anything. we used to cry in each other shoulder.

-L'amitie-

it means Friendship in Italian

a long journey ahead

2012-01-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight, is our 4th anniversary. i made spaghetti bolognese to celebrate it, and my boyfie wasn't like it. he dislikes Italian food, my God, how different we are. i am a big fan of Italian dish, he prefers Indonesian or Japanese foods. I hate soyu (Japanese salty ketchup). The only Japanese food i liked, is Octopus in sushi tei. I hate sashimi, i don't really like sushi, i am not a fan of Japanese food :(

this is a note for me: "do not cook anything Italian, Nadia!"

Well, holiday is not that bad. i used into it... i rest my nerve for a while, my gpa is launched already. i got my good marks back!!! :) no more nightmares....i hope. well, i am still struggling with my final project. chapter two is on progress, yet very slow.

My boyfie is busy with graduation thingy, he should passes TOEFL (english proficiency as foreign language). He said something um, surprising, this afternoon. he said, well, he wants to continue study and it'll happen in a moment. i was so shocked. my God, i am going to have another long distance relationship in my life. again. again. and again.

i knew, this thing will be happened, sooner or later, but still, i am not ready. please, i am not ready. i am crying, i couldn't stop. it's like hit by a heavy rock right onto your heart. i know, i am such a drama queen. i am drama queen.

hiks, tonight is my 4th month anniversary, and i am crying on my pillow. not because my boyfie means to me, he is good. he is beyond my expectation. it's all because, i am too afraid of losing him. we have been together in the same collage, same city, same circle of friendship. i can't imagine, if we will be apart. does he forget me then? will he lie? crap. i am not going to wander my thought any further.... i am afraid.

happy 24! by the way, i love this keychain :)

i think, i am just going to live this way. surprise will be surprise then. i hope i am ready for surprises ahead! it will be a long long journey :)

the one that stumble by holiday

2012-01-17T22:15:00.000-08:00

these days are holiday, but i think i am not really looking into holiday. my parents are busy, my sisters are just the same. i am the only jobless person at home. my boyfie is struggling with his final project. i am so useless. i feel like, i should do something fun and exciting. yet i know, i have to do some things important first. that's why i hate to grow old. growing old, means more responsibility and less fun. it means we have to be independent as soon as possible, yet i know, being independent is not really what i want it. the only thing i want is, find someone whom i can rely on forever. haha. i know such a spoil girl.
oh dear my holiday, things i really want are finish this courses as soon as possible, doing as much as i can, live a busy weeks with lovely people around are worth more than a useless holiday.
well, the thing i am glad about holiday is more time to sleep, no one wake you up for class, no assignment need to be submitted. but still, the pressure of being undergraduate itself becomes so heavy.
well, catch you later... hope in the next post, i will have something nice to share. not only a stumble mumble life.

feel like a mess

2012-01-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

well, i bet this is my first bad feeling in 2012, wow! shud i celebrate it? last night i cried a lot, i couldn't sleep, it was 2 am. i kept telling myself, "there's nothing bad happen. rest your eyes, rest your eyes..." finally after made up my mind, i went to sleep. i took morning praying at 5 o'clock and i cried a little bit. i prayed for myself, my boyfie, and familly. i woke up at 9, maybe 10, then i checked my phone. i saw that my boyfie already got my text. he read it. no replied. i text him first. he said he just woke up. not much thing to talk, so we ended the conversation. i cried again. wonder, how many times i've been so weak and crying on fool things.
this feeling came to me in sudden, the previous day i went to coffee shop with one of best friend, then i logged on twitter, i saw someone adding me, i accepted her, i saw my boyfie page, and i saw her follows him. my heart skips a beat. i told myself to calm, it just an coincidence. i overwhelmed.
after coffee time, i spent some time to accompany my boyfie. we had dinner. he was pretty tired, i could see that. then he said, his ex text him. tada. my heart jumped again. i said "it's okay". well, it wasn't okay. after i reached my home, i text him. he was so cold. he didn't say much thing. he didn't say any details, he always say his details to me, but he didn't last night. i was so.... um i don't know. i cried.
Today, my heart is so miserable. i know he has been so busy in these couple weeks. i don't want to put more pressure on him. i let him to do what he needs to do. i hope this feeling gone.

at this moment, i just remember what my mom said to me, "Nadia, you always like that. you gone too far with emotions, and you lost. the only person you destructed is yourself."

maybe i over think, since i know my boyfie is a good person. he will say to me what he needs say to me. i trust him like Pinocchio trusts the Blue Fairy. well, this is the first mess in 2012. i hope my writings made my feeling better.

happy holiday! :)

Happy New Year 2012

2012-01-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

First posting for this year ;)
i am so happy that we start something new again. This year ahead, i don't have any resolution. i have some things need to be done this year. School stuffs.
i was rethinking about what i have been done these years. honestly, it was a good memory to proud of. but, doesn't make any difference now.
what i have been accomplished, is just nothing.
when i was in senior high school, i thought my report is everything. since i dumped into collage, my high school report was nothing.
then, i think about my final project, it's all my nightmare which i have to beat up next semester. i have bad dreams about it. i really want to finish collage as soon as possible.
i want to move my ass from these campus, and sense something new.
well, so this is the battle year. between me and myself.
i have to beat myself in order to be a better person. i don't want to be guilt in the end of the year, if i am not using my time efficiently.
yes.
that's all for the first posting of this year.
i hope this year.... everyone learn something and be a better person than yesterday.
i hope, this earth, be more friendly to us. like i try to be friendly with it.
i hope, there's nothing gonna hurt me. not anymore.
i hope.
well, my name means hope.
so when i am hoping, it's a double hopes :)

Random Conversation

2011-12-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

Today, we went to the cinema to watch Sherlock Holmes, one of my fave movie, a mind trick movie. We had dinner at japanese diner and had lovely time like always. Well, Sherlock was good, but didn't good as I expected before. The story's motive was too shallow... I was expecting somethingpre than wealth, like power or something religious or something twisted. But, like the movie's satire 'be careful with what you wished for...'Maybe I'm just expecting too much, sometimes.After dated, boyfie took me home, when we were on our way home we talked so many things. Till we got into this point, which was sweet I think. I post it here, so someday I'll be remembered again how it felt when someone said like this to me.."Your writing is better than your saying..." commends my boyfie"yeah I know, I'm not good at expressing myself verbally""so write something! :)""okay, i'll write and you'll talk for me...""yeah... But promise me, keep talking to me whatever you're feeling... I want to hear whatever your sayings :)"And I knew, your love is the best from all.Thou, I'm not the best of your lover candidates. I always do my best for you. Always.

Merry Xmas Everyone!

2011-12-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

Last night were a-ma-zing! i don't celebrate Christmas, but it was always nice to get an atmosphere of joy and happiness. Last night, i went out with Boyfie and I saw so many beautiful lanterns everywhere. we were celebrate our 3 months anniversary in an art restaurant in my city. the place was nice, he reserved a table for us. actually it wasn't a table, it was a gazebo above fishes pond with bells, lanterns, and some crafts decoration. i should say, compare to the price it was worth it.

we were sitting there ;) romantic isn't it?

actually, i was sick. i ate so little. Boyfie even worried about me a lot, my tempt was high. i was like sleepy all the time. he gave me chocolate and milk, i made a home made pudding for him. But still i was to lazy to eat. he cheered me. and i felt much better after that. the diner was good, i liked the menu, so i forced myself to eat. he starts smiling... i feel relieved. i don't want to disappointed him.

the decoration

After having dinner and talking many things about our relationship, we found that the place were so much crowded at night. Boyfie said that there were a church besides the restaurant. and it was xmas eve! the ironic thing is, there were a police car near the church with its bomb bunker car. i wonder, how could Christian peoples feel safe every time they go the Church with police everywhere? :( so sad Indonesia.

I think, We should stop any kind of terrorism (including harsh words and blackmailing the Church) and we have to respect whatever people's belief. i know that 90% of Indonesian believe in Islam, doesn't mean that we have to discriminate people with different beliefs. As a moslem, i feel sorry if some people with different beliefs feel threaten by us. maybe some of us were stupid, but the rest of us still believe in "unity in diversity".

Well, this is the details of the restaurant. We can reserve table and order some decorations to it :)

Address:

Khayangan Citraland

Jl. Puri Widya Kencana LL 05 Citraland Surabaya

031 7411999

In the middle of Raining Day

2011-12-08T02:20:00.001-08:00

Christmas is really close, though i don't celebrate Xmas, i can feel the atmosphere. My hometown turned to be Forks in Twilight, suddenly all the things become so mellow. I guess, Closer by the Travis should be really perfect for this kind of mood.

Travis-Closer

Yesterday, Knight was sick. I kind of worried, because he needs to get his final project done less than a month. And i need to prepare some stuffs before final exam. I know that December always be like this.
Talk about December, i flown to the new years eve two years ago, i spent new year eve in a hype Mall in my city. I met Knight that night, but he wasn't mine. He sat across my table, he was with his girlfriend at that moment. I saw him happy and that's all. I didn't happy at that moment. I lost so many things in my life. i betrayed by so many people. and without my intention i was being mean to some persons in my life.
I know I used to be mean to some people, like, I gave hope and failed them. I pushed away people. and I was being uncertain about my own feelings. There were not much thing to proud of.
Now, I learned that time goes by. How bad or good the situation is never lasts. Couple Months ago, it was sunny, then today it's raining all the time.
Exactly year ago, i was crying under my blanket, how this life could be so mean to me. In the end of this year, i feel so blessed. Nothing's permanent.
Life is always like this.... full of dramas, tears, laughs, cries. My achievement seemed nothing compared to what I've learned this year.
I know time will pass, but of course, i need to fight on something like my gpa, then i need to think about my final project, then i need to do some research about master degree. Honestly, i feel little bit worried, my responsibility is getting bigger and deeper. I can't be fail.
Money, is not the 1st to chase, but if I want to run a proper life, anything needs money.
and at times, your idealistic of life, dreams, and fun contradicts with the basic needs of life.
Next 2012, I'll be 22, and i need to be graduated in the mid year then continue my study. I need to earn some money to run my own life. By 2014 I've got my master already. and living life by my own.
Then, the idea of love is something so tiny compare to the things i should do.

I wish my parents give me more clue to pass these hard times, what I have to do? what I shouldn't do? Sometimes, I little bit confuse. in the middle of raining day.

Lofe

2011-12-02T07:39:00.001-08:00

For me, life is like Ferris Wheel, sometimes you need to be under the other time you live in high.

"when you listen to the old songs you liked very much,

when someone treats you so great and it feels like the first time,

when you want to say out loud how happy you are,

when your silence is already understood..."

that's how i feel these recent months. i know that, future, somehow is so unpredictable. but i think, with hope and faith everything will be okay. Last semester, my ex boyfie cheated on me, or truthfully, i was the second option of him, my gpa was terrible, and i felt like no one would love me better than someone i used to like very much, i was feel like disconnected with my close friends, i mourned too much.

i was so hopeless, really. Suddenly, like Rihanna sings, "I found love in the hopeless place...."
i think she was true.
eventhou my name means hope, usually, i am the first person losing her hope in the very beginning. and i felt like i was unlucky, yet, i see so many peoples are more sadden than me.

well, honestly, i have nothing to say more about my life. i just want to keep my blog going, so someday i could see my writings from time to time. and in this time i am happy. finally, i don't have to pursue any happiness because happiness is my middle name right now :)

ah ya, Today, my boyfie, call him Knight, said to me that he found a book telling about Vienna, my favorite city ever. He promises me someday, when we'll be loaded with money, we'll fly there!

and this Friday night we spent time together. we had dinner, he accompanied me to buy a sweeter -he picked the color-,

and i accompanied him to buy a present for her little sis, then we had macedonia ice cream -our favorite-, and then we went home with smiles. we got into fights sometimes, like, how my opinion or his opinion were not listen by the other. we talked so many things, even about Einstein's Relativity Theories. I should say that he elevates a lot. he was right, he is competitive enough. I know he can be anything, from very bad to very good if he wants to.

well, that's all about my lofe (love and life). i hope you guys have a wonderful Friday night wherever you are.

Remember, sometimes life hits you with big stone right onto your head, but that's the way you realize you are alive. from pain, happiness, laughs, and tears. be thankful.... and live your life :)

it's not only about love

2011-11-22T21:18:00.001-08:00

i hold my tears right now. i feel so.... i don't know how to say, it's like: "every time i choose to hope, then there is always something makes me in despair"
i just found out that some matters are more complicated and traditional, in this modern world. you may say, this is an era where your race, color, and nationality does not matter. in fact, i feel so threaten by some traditional rules that i respect, with pride.
some things....are not better together. some things.... fails at the beginning?

Surabaya "Horrible" Zoo

2011-11-10T19:13:00.001-08:00

"Ewww, don't go there, there were a python died yesterday in its cage!" I said to my boyfriend.
"This Arowana is so sadden..." my boyfriend gave a comment about Surabaya Zoo's Silver Arowana there.

Can you imagine, one decade ago, when i was little kid, Surabaya Zoo was the biggest zoo in South East Asia, Indonesia was so proud to have one. Years go by, people doesn't care much about animals and natures. In late 90'ies, The City was emerging, we built Mall, Plaza, another Park, and any other entertainment places.
People forgets what they have, till it turned to be something they used to have.

I was so sad to see so many animals died, you can mention about Komodo and Python. Even the saddest part was, a Komodo is the symbol of Surabaya Zoo wrist band, and they couldn't maintain the real one!!

As one of Surabaya's Citizen, I was so mad to whoever in charge there, i saw a Panthera Tigris Sumtrae, Sumatra Tigers almost lost its whole fur. A group of Baboon starving till they ate rubbish near their cave. So many aquariums doesn't have lighting and proper water treatment.

Poor my boyfriend, that was the first time he went there, and he couldn't see how great this Zoo used to be. But still we had fun, fed camels and baboons, saw the tigers, monk at the Lion, and had a conversation with Parrot.

The only thing stuck in my mind is, if i have a child, and i want to educate my children about animals and natures, should i go here? i don't know whether the place is hygiene or not. I don't know if it's safe for my kids to get closer to unmaintained animals. Since my 2,5 years old Nephew plan to go there, I worried about it so much :(

Please someone in charge up there, listen to our worries! preserve the animals so our next generation can see what i've seen a decade ago.....

photos:
1. nooo! the camel ate my bf's palm hand :z
2. poor arowanas
3. monkeys and a tire??
4. my bf had a debate with parrot, see there were no information board on its cage!
4. my bf strares to ponies
5. had a pose in front of camel :))

Damaged

2011-11-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

Since he entered my life, I feel much better. My days colored with laughs, sometimes I really scared of getting too happy.

I know I am a mentally damaged, I made sad movies in my head and cry like baby.

I know I am kind of paranoia, while I think someone could steal him from me.

I'm so scared of myself. I can't even describe how I feel about my self rite now.

I live normal, I do things like others, I talk to people, I have girl friends, boy friends...I have lover, a good family also.
I'm so grateful of these.

But being normal is something I try so hard to do. While inside I'm crying. I feel insecure in almost everything.

I mind to be stated as pessimistic, I am not a pessimistic.

Maybe he was right, I am so hard to myself. The only person I see nothing good is myself.

Maybe that's why I need someone to rescue me from my own insanity.... Someone who believes me more than I believe myself.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Let my unfinished dreams go...

2011-10-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

This idea just popped my mind. As a girl, I have so many dreams. I want to travel around the world, 30 countries in my 45. Or, I want to write a book about life journey. Or, I want to invent something useful for humanity.

I mean, from the 3 dreams above, my dreams are so big! Yet so challenging. I keep focusing myself how to achieve them, like read more books, write more articles, learn another language, build an international circle of friendship and so on and so on.

But the older I become, the more I realize, there are more things more necessary to do, to think, and to be fought rather than my selfish idea about "world". This idea isn't from the books I read, this idea comes from my textbook studies, my lecturer, my friends, my daily life. I spent so many days to think about future and my goals. Once, I take time to see around, I felt so.... Missed.

People around me, they do exist in my life. They also have expectations from me. It's not about my dreams, it's all about how we live together, and how we can help each other.

Don't think too far about humanity, do you really care to your friends, N? *talk to myself*
Do not mention 30 countries in your life, do you really have done something for your country? *talk to myself*

Once my boyfriend said, "do you know that nationality is given? It's a gift."

Yes! I known that phrase since couple years ago, but then, I just knew the meaning.

If this life meant to be like this. I mean, I was born in Indonesia, I have asian face, asian heir, asian blood, I was born lefties and different, I was accepted in Industrial Engineering department, I got a chance to promote Indonesia at a time in my life, I got so many opportunities to gain my career in broadcasting, journalism, and arts that I never taking care seriously. Then all the stuff happened that way. All of my stories in the past already written and determined. It's a gift.

So does my nationality. All the facts that I tried to hard to change. I CAN'T CHANGE FACTS, NEVER.

It's useless to use my dream, as a sneaky way to avoid realities. Dreams are different thing when you have to deal with realities.

I'm not so going to dream right now. I want to do something, more things. I want to fix some stuffs before it's too late. Before it's too late....

"Everyone can dream, but only few peoples make their dream comes true....."

The marks are: "dream is a noun", "make is a verb"

Get what I mean?
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Provehito in Altum

2011-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

"Love is sweet when it's new, but sweeter when it's true" @TheLoveStories

it's been long time since the last time I feel I'm so secure in love. well, people comes and goes, you'll see so many "love topic" posts in my blog. how every love story I had, I drowned myself so deep. I always love deeply.

For me, it's always, "all or nothing"
Even in some cases, I'm not 100 percent totally in love with someone, I used to a devoted person to commitment.

My current boyf would not like this topic I bet, he's so irritated about past. And lucky me to have him, he reminds me not to rely on my pasts too long.

And you know, since I choose to let myself be happy, I feel blessed in everyday! Every single day....♥

Even there are several things I hate like:
1. Boring lecturers
2. Sticky Schedules
3. Run out Money
4. Unorganized jobs
5. Smoking-Boyfriend (!!!)
6. Insensible Boyfriend.... Is it a boy nature that boys are always sweeter when they were not having us?
7. Parents' Talks
8. Third Person
9. Bad Dreams (!!!)
10. Insecure about future

So many things bothered my mind, I am so afraid of making the same mistakes, or having something failed again and again. I hate repeated mistakes! I hope I'm not going to make it again.

Since I feel so secure whenever and wherever my boyfriend around, I feel like nothing else matter. Usually, I'm a sane lover. I think I'm going to be insane with this deep intensity of love.

it's been 4 years since I have a boyfriend, who is near! Oh my God. The difference is, I feel happier.

As the tagline of 30 second to mars, "Provehito in Altum"
Carried to the high ♥, his love carries me high :)
but please please please, don't let me fall.

Well, at the end, cheers! I'm happy :)
Sent from my BlackBerry®

2011-10-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

This shit is always happened to me. Why do I become person who is so loser, lazy, and has a lack of will.

My mother is a dominant person, she is a righteous one. I always admire her, all of her achievements, success, and stuffs.

But then, she never understand me. She's too cool to understand me. She's strong, and I'm not that strong.

I really want to cry, every time I realize that I'm the only different in my family.

I hate of being different, and not being trusted. I know it was my bad. I know how bad it caused. That was my faults.

But, don't they think, that my feelings are important too?

I'm afraid of this kind "family war". They matter the most for me. it's like I really need to prove something to my parents.....something that can't be easily earned.

Trust is an issue.
It'll be always an issue.

God, please, please, please...........

Can you Give me a chance, so my parents trust me??
I'm the eldest of my sisters. I always know this responsibility. But, I'm just different. They should handle me in different ways. Aaaaaaah, stuck.

I love my mom.
I love my family.
No matter what.
I always have and always will.
Sent from my BlackBerry®

I'm Begging You, My Lord

2011-10-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

"I'm begging You My Almighty God, Allah.
Please let me be the last, let me be the only one."

I hope people see us happy, as we feel happy for each other and people.

Even happiness is the only page of the last chapter in every fairy tale, I believe it does exist :)
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Happy-ness in October

2011-10-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Hi! It's been awhile since my last post about one of my dream came true.
A week after that day, I've been on a trip to Bangkok, the city of angels.

Well, I should agree that bangkok has so many beautiful peoples. No wonder, they claimed as the city of angels.

I wish I could share some photos here, so that people will see me taking picture with Thailand's honeybees and smiling in front of Pattaya beach!

Well, once my friend told me that, as a college girl I travel little bit a lot. And of course, I run out money now!

Next week, my pals will leave me to Bali, it should be Rp. 0,- budget vacation, because it'll be a reward from our office. All the accommodation and transportation are provided. But then, I need to catch a schedule in monday. And I have a German class in Saturday!

I am so excited to attend my 1st German Class. I admire Germany since I was a kid. I see people who lives in Germany is so "kool"! And I have some of germans friends that really cool. I want to visit them someday and greet them in Germans :)

From my illustrations above, I hope you guys could see me happy, and I think I am getting much better without state anything. I feel happy.

I mean, life's so stressful. I see how sad I was, and I start to cry. But then, there always be a rainbow after hard rain. I have NOTHING to be proud of this time. I got nothing, but I learned something :))

once my best companion said to me like this, "there are so many smart people in this world, but then, don't worry honey.... Everyone is special...the point is 'differentiation'. We have to see where we placed, and dare to be different"

I know it such classic, but then he was true. Why do I need to worry so much? Life's all about competition. It wasn't the smartest man survived, it was the most adaptable ones! I refer this quote from Charles Darwin.

Well, talk about love life..... I am happy :) and I wonder, how easy to love my current boyfriend. Why don't I did it long time ago??? He used to be my friend for these 3 years. Peoples know, he is the funny one. He always bring cheers, laugh, and happiness to everyone. I used to see him funny, and I am still seeing him funny.

It is so easy to love him, to trust him, to fall completely in him. And I am so scared if I could disappoint him. If I made the same mistake, If I couldn't love him appropriately. He's not the type which used to be comes and goes in my life. He was the one who always near beside me. He was the one who never crossed my mind. But made me laugh in the most of time.

Even, at times I was so afraid to share this happiness. I am so afraid if someone took this happiness from me. I can't imagine if he didn't hold me in my lowest point of self esteem.

I was so low, till I couldn't see nothing good in me. Until he said, he loves me, and see me different. He always stare me....and lucky me, I got his sight, so this time is my turn to stare him back :)

Well, that's all the update. I wish I could find a better connection, so I could post some pictures and beauty.

Happy night!

Nadia Aulia

someone who made my dream comes true

2011-09-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

"i'm not batman, nor superman, i am your man!" -anonymous-

since 2009 i had a cheesy wish, okay, that was stupid and naive wishlist. someone that i used to love said to me, he wanted to show me the night scenery of my city from the top of building. it was a premium lounge, bar, and restaurant on top of hotel in west Surabaya named Citylite at Java Paragon Building. since that day, i wish i were there.

every time i pass the building by, i always tell to everyone, "i want to go up there with someone!" and i always repeat it again and again. time goes by, the people comes and goes... whispered so many good words, promises, some of them were real most of them were lies. i was still never go up there.

i wanted it to be special, so i never ask anyone to bring me there, i want to be asked.

years go by, now, it's 2011. and my dream came true.

yesterday, 24th September 2011, someone whom i never expect before, asked me to go there. he did not promise me anything, he drove and took me there :)

and i was so happy last night. i was so happy 'til i couldn't bear my tears dropping. i am still crying every time i remember that moment. okay, call me cheesy. but you never know how long i wait for this kind of happiness.

i ordered a glass of sparkling summer last night, he ordered black jack that he worried so much there were alcohol in it, and i tried to told him, there were nothing except coffee and some herbs. well, honestly, i didn't know either, lol. we ate beverage, drank the drink, and talked so many things.

the drink was so nice, and i liked it! there were no lemon on top like in a picture (i googled the picture, btw). but still it was so nice.... and he ate the cherry top in a blink of an eye, in front on me! i liked the cherry topped, but i liked his happy face more... so i let him ate mine, hahahaha.

and i recommend this place to any of you who wants to see a beautiful scenery of surabaya at night. they have a good service and fast respond of any order. and it worth the place, even the sky was not really pretty because of too much pollution, still you can pretend to see shooting stars in the sky while it was an aircraft. hahaha.

after all, i got one of my dream come true, and i think he got one of his dream come true. but i had a bonus! a really cute boyfriend........ :)

p.s: I post some of information of the place below, whenever you want to visit Surabaya, and feel the pleasure of luxury, come to visit here :)

link: http://www.inijie.com/2009/08/18/romantic-delight-at-java-paragon-citilites/

Location :

Citilites – Bar & Resto
Java Paragon Hotel and Resindences
Jl. Mayjen Sungkono 101-103
Surabaya 60256
Phone : +62 31 562 1234

two types of problem

2011-09-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile since my last post, so, i already started my new term. i'm really glad that my mother didn't mad at me because of my bad scores from last semester. of course i retake some courses in order to improve my score.

well, i try to be focus in my academic life right now. i have no side jobs right now, nor any project. i think i should have a focus and a will to make my parents proud of me, then i could reach my dream afterwards. i also rethinking about my milestone of dreams. i look onto the details. it's funny to stare at myself and asking same question, "why do you always stuck in the same problem over and over again?"

i was searching the best reasons for that, but i couldn't find any. i couldn't make any conclusion nor explanation. so, i put the the problem aside.

once a time, my friend told me, "there are two types of problem. the first is unavoidable problem. the problem you can't run from it. the problem needs to be solved as soon as possible. the problem that will affect your life instantly. second, is the problem that either you can face it or just skip it. if it's facing the problem only cause much more negativity than its positiveness, it's better to put the problem aside."

well, i should agree with this opinion, i think, the real problem of mine is i over analyzed my problems. over analyzed is not good! because i waste most of time to find the root of the problem, while my life needs solution immediately.

so, this is my life. i spent most of time with friends, assignments stuff, and family. the only thing that bothered my mind is, i'm getting old, and i am still unproductive. i feel little ashamed. while some of my friends could make their own pocket money, i'm still asking for that. my parents wont be young forever, there will be a time i need to support their life financially. that's why i really hope i can finish this courses soon! and earn some money. but the way i earn it, i still have not much idea. but of course, i will earn some money, and gain some wealth. for my family.

last but not least, i would to share a good word today,
"someone who experienced hurt, will know how to value compassion"

A pieces of ♥

2011-09-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so afraid of giving my all to the wrong person again and again. Boys, they almost the same....they look like so promising at the beginning, but they torture me at the end.

They made me fall, then they let me fall *in a sad ways*

Of course I want to believe them, of course I want to be devoted only to one person. But how?
I'm afraid of getting into something wrong, again and again.

Does he capable to handle me? Does he capable to understand my feelings? Does he is as devoted as I am? As loyal as me? If only he said, "I do"

I would never see anyone else, anything else, but him.

-a pieces of ♥
Nadia Aulia

Ganbatte

2011-09-04T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today is the 1st morning of the new semester. People said that beginning determines 30% of success.

I woke up too early this morning, realized that my class might start at 12 o'clock. but I need to fix some things with the school counselor.

I never been this light before, I mean I almost have nothing to be proud of. My good marks was gone, my boyfriend decided to leave me with his hearty bird, my plan messed up, my mother did not trust me, the projections of tomorrow freakin' me crazy.

But the good side is: I pray. I prayed on time this morning, something needed big efforts in past. I have more time to think, and figure out how the things should be.

So, I just need to "stick with success" if I want to achieve it. I mean, my mother can't stand failure. And I was dictated that life is for the success. She could understand error, but she never it was the right thing to hold to long.

And I always coming up with this believe. She always right.

So, here I am. Confining myself inside blanket, seeing the light shook my window, feeling this breeze, wishing some miracle happen, and pray for some good things for life.

I know I may be a sentimental person, but I never intend to be fake for anyone. I believe good things will happen, only if I believe it :)

So, wish me tons of luck for this semester! Ganbatte :D
Nadia Aulia

Dreams

2011-09-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

After all these years.... I can't forget one thing: how dreams were so sweet.

I keep falling and falling in the same cases. From the very first beginning, I wonder how could I fail in everything I tried to make it succeed?

Memories. I hug the memories.
From the very 1st time.
Everything still mystery

I wish my dreams come true, or maybe, in the end, everything will be better than my dreams.

Cause you know, it hard to say, but sometime, my dreams are all the same from the very 1st time.
Nadia Aulia

Types of person

2011-08-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

I woke up at night, in the past two days. Well, it wasn't good, but at least better than can't sleep at all.

Anyways, I sleep "enough" here. I come along the way 400km from my town just to discover one thing important: "I can sleep properly"

Well, this is my grandma house, and I love everything here. I mean, I love this kind smell of old, atmosphere, and people here. I always like come to home.

And another fact, that I'm still haunted by sadness, is torture me. I wonder how could someone gave me so much pain in little amount of time.
I thought the question is un answerable. I was wrong.

This is the proof that human is special. From the beginning I was an observer.

I see that he has something charismatic and emotional appealing inside him.
No wonder he is so good at getting and collecting girls. He was studying us.

But I'm different, like I told you. I might be devastated, but I never lose my observant thinking. So I study him back.

Fact that he has most unique job from the other people I might know, however, strike me so clearly. I got this pattern.
This is an evidence of "The Law of Few"

He is the only pilot I closely know, he has short of dramatic life story, he is very expression-able with all of his mimicry. He is such charismatic, he may be known he may be not.

Once old time, I also had boyfriend who has this charismatic types. He gets the girls easily, he gets every vibes from his surrounding, he was a good announcer. But, he has flaw too! *like everybody should, but I don't want to discuss it here

As far I remember, the only way I could healed from his influence is when I stepping away from his radar. And after years go by, I involve some of persistence behavior to such influence like that. That's what people called, "troubles made you stronger"

We're not stronger than before, but we're persistent from it!

Well, this is not my "just an opinion" crap. I read Malcolm Gladwell book named Tipping Point.

He stated that there are 3 types of person, 1st is the connector, 2nd is the mavens, 3rd is the salesman.

Connector is a sociable type of person loving to build thousand of friend as associates. Or maybe they just love too communicate and making list of people.

Maven is a righteous. Maven thinks the world should involved in a right way. They concern on details, and they have a sense to help people with his information they gathered. They are our information guide book. They have a lot of interests, and they use it to help.

Salesman is charismatic person. I think most of playboys have this kind personalities. They are so convincing. They pursue people with talks and mimicry and emotion. They can be a good leader or very bad person. When they come to a room, people just know who is the boss.

After I knew about this fact, doesn't mean I could remove their influence in a dip. But I could build a persistence of it.

So this is what I promise to myself. I would never diminish my true emotion, because I'm a sensible person. But I know I have a good brain to make most of things logic and explain able.

Soooooo, end of story. At the end I hope, I'll meet someone with a good heart inside. This all matters :)
Nadia Aulia

Surrender

2011-08-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

Thinking is just too much.
People tend to play, to get and forget.
We might think they would harm us.
Maybe...

But what's the point of getting hurt, if we let them to be since the beginning?

Surrender.

I tend to be surrender.

you could hurt me as much as you want, and nothing from me you hurt at the end, cause you only hurt yourself :)
Nadia Aulia

Pearl

2011-08-29T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm single not because my heart has been taken, but it had been thrown by the person I loved.
No one has it now.

No one wants to dig the dirt to take something unless maybe he's beggar, or he knows that pearl is always covered by mud.

That's me.
That's all.
Nadia Aulia

Kepastian itu adalah Kemungkinan

2011-08-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Hari ini adalah tahun baru hijriah bagi sebagian umat muslim, sebagai seorang muslim kami menantikan hari ini bak menantikan pelangi setelah hujan lebat.

Sebagai awalan ya baru, juga merupakan akhiran dari sesuatu.

Tepat pada hari ini, aku telah mengakhiri berbagai macam pikiran-pikiran jelek dan kegagalanku dalam mengelola emosi.

emosi adalah masalah terbesarku, setelah pikiran. Entah mengapa keduanya sering sekali membuatku terjaga sebegitu larut.

Aku sadar betul, aku bukanlah pemalas. Hanya saja aku tak bisa setengah-setengah. Aku ingin melakukan sesuatu hingga lelah, atau tidak melakukan apapun.

"Kemalasan" dipadu dengan pikiran tak menentu, dan emosi yang cenderung tidak stabil membuatku semakin sering sakit-sakitan.

Mungkin benar jika orang kidal akan berumur 9 tahun lebih pendek dibanding orang bertangan kanan. Jika hal tersebut betul, maka hidupku akan jauh lebih singkat.

Hidup yang singkat dan begitu banyaknya pertanyaan di kepalaku sering membuatku menjadi orang yang aneh. Orang yang seolah-olah tidak memiliki bentuk pasti. Seperti air.

Sulit sekali bagiku untuk lepas dari bayang-bayang masa lalu, dan menakutkan sekali bagiku untuk melihat masa depan.

Aku tidak suka dengan segala ketidakpastian dalam hidup, namun beginilah hidup.

Pada akhirnya semua berakhir pada satu kesimpulan: kepastian itu adalah kemungkinan.

Selamat tahun baru, semoga tahun ini lebih berarti dari tahun-tahun sebelumnya :)
Nadia Aulia

Questioning the Right Things

2011-08-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so scared, I trapped in my own minds, my own senses, my own sadness.

I don't know why people hurt me, is it because I pulled their trigger of emotion? Then they shoot me?

Or they just did, what they wanna did?

I waste my time, blaming my self, mostly about anything.

I watched movies, I read books, I socialize a bit, I cried a lot, I found myself is a pity person.

Why should I care to the person who treated me as option? While I always treat him as priority?

I can't find any logic or sense to my action.

Was it because I have a really big heart to accept bad things people did to me?
Or, I never give up on him?
Or, I just never give up on myself for being number one? While I am not number one.

It's so sad and pity, I can't answer all these questions but I keep questioning myself.

I wish I have life to run very soon, so I could forget this junk for a while.

Well, I really should to re arrange my life from now on. That's the only best I could imagine for me, now.

Nadia Aulia

Happy

2011-08-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

I spent days and nights in front of Laptop, i watched lots of movie, from the cool ones to the creepy ones. let me count how great they were:

1. X-Men first class

2. Pirates Carribean IV

3. Flipped

4. Eazy A

5. The 19th Wife

6. The Switch

7. Vanishing on the 7th Street

8. What Happens in Vegas

9. Red Riding Hood

10. Crazy Little Thing Called Love

11. Gossip Girl Season 4 Ep 20, 21, 22

okay, there were so many such as baby and ocean that i watched partly for each. those movies are my extacies to keep me up. I need to finish my report by the end of this month. and i was like, bloody, bored by the thing called Academic. Failure was not my type. i irritated so much to any kind of failure, until i experienced it. my academic record was such a hell. okay, i repeat it again, HELL!

so, i could choose between groaning the disappointing, or accept it. well, i choose the 2nd option. I ACCEPT IT. and move on.

i left all the pain behind, i hold onto things too long, i hold things that i couldn't handle anymore. i was give up in so many things. and i think, it was the best. i need to be survived. and in order to be survived, i need to let the things go. i need to re-arrange my focus once again, and move on.

LIFE IS TRIALS, I JUST NEED TO PASS IT ONCE.

Now, when i stated, YES I GIVE UP, YES I FORGIVE YOU, YES I FORGET YOU.... everything becomes easier and happier. acceptance is the root of all happiness. i might be failed, in so many things. but i survived. i let myself to be cured, and thank God, i felt like universe helps me in a weird way.

i surrounded by loving people :) i open my heart to the new-old person, once crossed in my life before. i give him chance. :) and i am happy. happier than before. it sounds stupid, but how people gives me vibes of happiness. happiness just like spreading my heart with its own way.

this story is a proof of this statement: "ALL WE NEED IS A RIGHT PERSON, IN A RIGHT MOMENT SO EVERYTHING TURNS TO BE RIGHT"

forever is not enough to say how happy i am tonight.

all these pains, sad stories, betrayals, failures, are nothing but the way i learn HAPPYNESS.

thank you Allah

when happiness comes again

2011-08-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

thank God it happened.

thank God i was survived.

thank God i learned

i can't believe how wonderful my story is. nothing i can say less than thank you. no, i am not in a gloomy mood. this is how life supposed to be.

i believe time will heal each of pain. and happiness will come so soon.

i still believe in miracle and the power of hope :)

i might cried a lot last weeks, or last moths, or last years but not tonight.

this is time when happiness comes again! :))

Zero mind process

2011-08-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

every time at night, just before I want to sleep, I felt I want to cry. From last night, I had chosen to pray instead of cry.

People always hurt me, but someday there will be someone who will take care of me, and never hurt me :) *classical princess' drama? I knew.

The funny thing is, after I recall my memory about princess story, no one of them were bad endings. And you know, it's always been a rich-prince with a good heart personality. I don't want to be skeptical, but how many men out there born with lots of money or emperor? How many men out there born undefect? No one is perfect.

No one has the exactly the same story with any of princess'.
we have to find us!
I have to find my OWN story!

And like all the wise men said, "no one got everything s/he wants"
So true!

If we got what we want, that's the matter of miracle! Yes, Miracle!

Some of you will say, "what? Nooo I don't believe in any miracle?"

Well, I may refer to someone, once he said, "there are only two ways of life, 1st who doesn't believe in miracle, 2ndly who believes everything is miracle"

And I choose to be the 2nd Person.

How bad people hurting me, assume me wrong, cursing me, or hating me. Or how clueless I am in front of people. How introvert I am inside. How silence and cold I am.

I know, good or bad, is something mattered inside.
And I'm not going to poisoning myself with bad things..... I am weak person. But I believe God handles All of my problems.

Zero mind process.

*well, I'm so sorry for making this blog kind a mess. I mean, I could write something worth to read, but I choose to write nothing but crap.

*this blog is my self help, and I write down everything here... My thoughts, my life, my moods, just to make sure, I'm alive therefore I could feel stress or depress

*you could just go on next blog if you want to, or knows me better trough my writing, but please please, don't judge me.

*this is the only page I spoken my minds honestly, without any prejudice..this is how I am inside.
Nadia Aulia

Twitter Addiction

2011-08-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

I want to reduce my addiction to twitter. Twitter however is so tricky. it made me easier to connect with friends, and bumped by information but it also made us wanting to know something to everything.

Twitter is not good for health.
I need to use it wisely.
Nadia Aulia

Crap!

2011-08-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

What happened to me is a very classic story when girls are being cheated by boys. It happened to me most of time. 3 of 4 mine had cheating history.
the only 1 which wasn't, had different belief, which anyone knew it was nothing but different.

Tell me how could I believe men? Why me? Why me?
C'mon, once or twice were okay. Three or more were crap!
Crap crap crap!

3 of 4 my relationships were also long distance, did it count? I guess.
But the truth is, firstly, I always fall for minds. Mind's romance. Then physical activity followed.

I could fall for person I never met. As easy as flips my hand.

I swear, I'll fall to male version of me. If there's any.
Nadia Aulia

2011-08-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

Why does word can't describe most of feelings?
I think I really need to go someplace quite and open.
Hiking or camping could help, I think

I want to raise up soon, I hate being this weak and sad. But how?

I've been in a long sadness parade. Please God, give me happiness even it just once.

Life is trial....I just need to pass it once.

God, do You hear me? Don't leave...stay with me. I'm so scared.
Nadia Aulia

Sadness keeps my writings updated

2011-08-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

well, it's funny to see i was writing crazily last month, like anything should be spelled out. then after i satisfied with sadness, i re read my writing and thought it was crazy. and stupid.

sadness keeps my writings updated.

at least, i did something useful during my gloomy days. thou, at times, i felt the same still. i wonder, how could i passed from this sadness? i was so sad, i cried like baby, i cried in showers, i cried in car, i cried on my desk, i cried in my sleeps. now, i even couldn't make a tear falling. did i cured?

i know, some stories are better to be kept. i didn't talk this shit to my friends, of course, what the hell they might thinking. they knew me as a strong person. and so far, i made myself proud by letting my weak side to feel the pain, and at the same time i became stronger. i faced this problem. and i never run.

i am happy he was gone. at least. when he's not around, i never feel hurt. i don't care with anything i have done for him, or for the relationship. from the beginning, i thought i did something RIGHT. then, after things happened, i think, there were no point of holding each other. because it was wrong.

Why? if i hold this thing any longer, sooner or later, there will be someone cries. it might be me, or another girl. if i choose to hate, it'll be a poison. not only for the person i hate, also my heart.

i didn't hate anybody. i used to hate so many girls who were hurting me. i didn't feel any better since then.

So, i let this sadness spread my heart. let people talk about me, hating me, or cursing me. things that people thinks about me, is not my business at all. hatred hurt them deeper. not mine.

So, here i am, posting this "another gloomy article" from my comfortable room. Finally i went back to Hot-Hot-Heat Surabaya. I changed all the pictures already. I cleaned my room from "his things" and it was relieving me.

in my first homecoming, i cut my hair very short, then i kept up with my family. they didn't get mad of my scores. i promised i would never fail them again. and i went to malls, i met best friends, i went to office, and i did my old works.

i made a film in this previous 2 days. it was about public retaining film for my campus. the money wouldn't be much. but i really enjoyed it. Doing arty thing is one of my best.

besides, Hometown Holiday, now, i am in the making of tactical strategic for my new semester. i am still confuse about many things. the point is not afraid of failure, but how bounce in every failure does count. don't you think so?

well, at the end, happy Friday night. Happy Fasting Month. Happy Indonesian Independence Month. and Happy International Youth Day - August 12th 2011

love,

2011-08-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

i think he is too tired of everything, and he brought me to feel the same. fight back is useless, the only thing i can do is, let him satisfy with all of his wants. ignorance is a good mask when everything turns blue.

another killing time at office

2011-07-31T23:13:00.000-07:00

i wonder how could someone sitting for couple of hour without doing any "real" activities. i was so bored by idle stuffs. i mean, i wrote several words for my report, while also open some pages of fashion, music, and news. my eyes getting tired by the time i am going to write this post. but my head almost explodes.

well, there's not much thing to think but this emptiness is suck! in fact, today is the 1st day fasting. so there's no food at noon, while i feel i crave chocolate now. i ever read about how chocolate can help people to be happier, and now on i really concern about this tiny fact.

cocoa produces some benefit substances, which i can't remember the names. (sorry am not in the mood of recheck or finding any further information, you'll do research by your own!). well, cocoa, i don't know how it works, made our blood cell wider so we'll get a healthier circulatory. it prevents from stress, good for skin, and, (yeah i got it!) trigger your body to produce more endorphin so you feel happier!

i thought i need chocolate more than ever. i mean, i always love chocolate, and i have connection with it! (i posted that topic already). i hope a dark chocolate can cure a broken heart.

well, i know it cheesy. i don't care.

some of you will laugh at me, and think i am one of morons who saying this or that, or being so chaotic by posted my all random thoughts. or maybe i just messed up.

yes i am.

no defense.

while, what your thinking about me (or maybe, i am the only one who cursed myself) is not my business.

i want to quit from sadness.

am so tired of this.

i need cocoa, i need a bar of dark chocolate. well, maybe, if i can choose, i want it with hazelnuts or almond or cashew! the best.

while i am day dreaming about chocolate, lucky me, i waste my time with enjoyment (writings).

last but not least:

"waste your time is good, as long as you enjoy every minute of it!"

Anything boosts my mood

cheese cake

chocolate

coffee

minions

2011-07-31T02:45:00.000-07:00

When I already forgave someone, there's no hatred left.
It's only sadness. And emptiness.

We can't avoid people do harm to us.
We can't avoid sad things.

love lasts.
So does the memory.

I pray for people who crossed my fate, once time.
For whom I hate
For whom I love

I have no idea where he is.
He could be anywhere on this planet.
But I believe
He must be somewhere.

I hope he'll do good things from now on.
my pray is always for them who deserved.

Nadia Aulia

Lisa Mitchel - Neopolitan Dreams

2011-07-30T00:44:00.000-07:00

Lyrics to Neopolitan Dreams :

You'll go n I’ll be okay,
I can dream the rest away
Its just a little touch of fate, it will be okay
It sure takes its precious time, but it’s got rights and so have I

I turn my head up to the sky
I focus one thought at a time
I do not let the little thieves under my tightly buttoned sleeves
You couldn’t be alone, the time I feel like I am walking blind
I have no where I’ll have time

There are no legible signs x2

I like the way that you talk,
I like the way that you walk.
It’s hard to recreate such an individual game

You wait you turn in the queue,
You say your sorries and thank you’s
I don’t think you’re ever
A hundred percent in the room
You’re not in the room x2

Deepest, of the dark nights
here lies, the highest of highs
Neopolitan Dreams, stretching out to the sea

You wait you turn in the queue,
You say your sorries and thank yous
I don’t think you’re ever
A hundred percent in the room
You’re not in the room x2

i played 7th deadly sins. and here these results. can't agree more! :)

2011-07-28T22:03:00.002-07:00

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	High

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

everybody hurt

2011-07-28T01:53:00.000-07:00

i figured out, i made the biggest mistake in my life, it was so little time and i put so much there. it was a risky decision since the beginning, i was so challenged in whining.

i was obsessed to balance. i tried so hard to make the things right. my study, my works, my love life, my family, my hobbies, my dreams. Now i know, i can't afford them all at time. i need focus. i need a step. and i have to trace from the edge patiently.

did i tell you that i am just normal girl? like other girls, i fell in love in romance and the idea of family, i was blinded by spotlight.

like other girls, i took anything too deep, while boys were mingling and playing around, i thought they were serious. I thought, i could count on them for any girl's insecurities. but relationship is all about giving and demand. (do i sound so stiff?)

maybe i am.

i know i am a difficult person. someone whom i desire must be an extraordinary one. i want someone setting his goal high, having a good sense of arts, stable in financial&emotional. i want someone mature.

while, i am not mature at all. i was easy tempered person. i uses logic, so i weaken my sense. i was so afraid of getting hurt, i locked my heart deep down inside. but still, it can't avoid the cult of damages. i feel the pain, still.

so, i conclude, besides i was unlucky for being played by someone. i think the problem is inside me. if i knew since the beginning, i couldn't make it, i don't have to gamble that much.

if i realize that his wishlist wasn't attached to mine, i thought i should consider the effect and all impact, if, i was getting hurt again.

i learned too late.

i am devastated. now, i have no boyfriend, my scores fail me, and i feel "eliminated" from my society (i was chaotic and anti social because of this).

i want to cry.

i want to cry so badly.

but no one besides me :(

i was so naive by pretending so strong while i am not.

i was so stupid of being not myself.

and i was so stupid of being trapped between delusion and reality.

i knew i could have anything, if i want to.

but now i learned, not all my wants suited best to me.

"what's the point of getting if i can't keeping it?"

i already forgave him (who played me like this :( ). i know everyone made mistake. i don't hate him, or the other boys who also try to play me. i forgave them all. they will learn something after me. it always like that, i am the girl who made people learned :(

okay, maybe i will cry all alone. :'( isn't normal of being sad, is it?

not had enough

2011-07-27T00:02:00.000-07:00

well, after long episode of sadness, now i faced by the emptiness.

my friends are angles. they help me trough hard time, cherish me with stupid jokes. and never leave me behind. i love my friends!

i also heard some good advice, like, take it slow, just enjoy, and so on.

meanwhile, my heart is so...... confused.

there are chips on my shoulder.

a ship without harbor :(

i fight this situation alone.

once, someone talked to me, deep.

i never been talking that deep since a long time.

i see myself.

the weak side of me.

i don't know how to describe, how it gave me vibes.

i just conquer, that i am not that strong.

i need to enjoy sadness.

i need to take this time slower.

in order to be happy

i must had enough of sadness.

so.... now.... maybe the sadness isn't enough. the emptiness waiting on the corner. i see them.

2011-07-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

"the fallen leaf never blame the wind"

Tipping Point

2011-07-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

I believe I am stronger than all my problems.
I believe I can stand up for life.
I believe obstacle is the trigger of success.
I believe I won't break up easily.
I am not going to cry.
I have no time for cursing myself while the world revolves around me.
No matter how lost I was
No matter how broken I was
No matter how sad I was
Now I have to change this!!!!!!!

I have to change this!!!!!!!
Nadia Aulia

Matahari di Manggarai

2011-07-24T19:46:00.001-07:00

First of all, i want to apologize for all inconvenience, cause this post will be written in Indonesian. maybe for some of you, it'll be challenging to read :)

"ada tiga hal yang tidak boleh hilang: harapan, keikhlasan, kejujuran" -Broadcast Message BBM-

Selamat Pagi, selamat Hari Senin!

Hari ini adalah awal minggu keempat Kerja Praktek saya di PT Telkom, Tbk (BUMN Telekomunikasi terbesar di Indonesia). seperti minggu-minggu sebelumnya, jam kerja kantor kami dimulai dari 08.00-17.00 WIB, dan setiap pagi, saya diantarkan ke tempat kerja bersama Tante, teman saya Ibe, dan supir kami yang jenaka pak Febri.

Semua orang tidak heran jika Jakarta itu macet, sumpek, cuek, kotor, angkuh, dan beberapa kata sifat lain yang menggambarkan perkantoran Jakarta yang melintas di sepanjang garis kota ini (Mulai dari Monas hingga Sudirman). Namun ada beberapa fakta menarik yang saya amati selama kurang lebih satu bulan kerja prkatek saya disini:

- Dalam perjalanan pulang saya setiap harinya, menggunakan transportasi umum Trans Jakarta, saya mendapati setiap orang sibuk dengan handphone dan headset di telinga mereka. Suasana bus yang sangat penuh (sekitar pukulk 17.00-19.00) adalah keadaan yang lumrah. semua orang tampak acuh.

-Namun, jika ada tempat duduk yang kosong dalam bus yang umpel-umpelan itu, hampir selalu Mas-Mas/Bapak-Bapak itu memberikannya kepada wanita terlebih dahulu. Saya sadar, masih banyak laki-laki baik di luar sana, yang ikhlas menolong dan melindungi.

-Hampir tidak ada orang yang mengucapkan terimakasih kepada Pak Kondektur bus, budaya ini sungguh berbeda dengan kota saya, Surabaya. Di Surabaya kami selalu mengucapkan terimakasih atas layanan yang diberikan, baik kepada penjaga lift ataupun tukang parkir di jalan-jalan.

-Namun, jika saya bertanya kepada siapapun orang yang saya temui, mereka selalu berusaha menjelaskan dengan jujur, sebaik mereka mampu. Saya banyak ditolong dijalanan, mulai dari mencari arah hingga bertanya preferensi. Orang-orang yang belum tentu akan saya temui lagi, saya tidak tahu harus membalas kebaikan mereka dengan apa?

-Saya melihat, mendengar, dan berbicara dengan orang yang logatnya berbeda-beda di setiap tempat. Ada Jawa Timur yang medok sekali, Jawa Tengah yang sopan sekali, Orang Sunda yang terdengar begitu ramah, orang Jakarta asli yang terkesan nyolot, orang Batak yang seperti marah-marah, dan masih banyak lagi.

-Namun, saya sadar betul, kota ini dihidupkan dari begitu banyaknya kaum urban. bahkan kebanyakan orang yang saya temui di kantor, adalah pendatang. Kata salah satu teman saya, Soraya, yang asli Jakarta. "Waktu orang-orang mudik kala lebaran, Jakarta seperti kota mati..."

-Terlalu banyak gedung tinggi di Jakarta! Saya dan teman saya Ibe hingga membuat list gedung-gedung tinggi di Jakarta (antara lain Peak Tower, Gedung BNI, Menara BCA). Selain itu juga mall-mall terbesar di Indonesia, kami sudah mengunjungi Grand Indonesia (Terbesar Ketiga), Mall Taman Anggrek (Terbesar Pertama).

Pernah suatu hari di akhir pekan, saya dan Ibe berjalan-jalan di Monas, kami menghabiskan waktu dari pukul 16.00-19.00 di sana. Kegiatan yang kami lakukan? Ngobrol dan makan manisan mangga. Kami berputar di sekeliling, begitu banyak orang bermain futsal, layangan, dan olah raga sepeda. Setelah lelah berjalan, kami memilih tempat duduk yang memungkinkan kami melihat sunset, tapi setelah berputar-putar tidak ada satupun spot yang dapat dijadikan tempat melihat sunset. Semua dipagari gedung tinggi. Kami agak kecewa, namun kami tetap menikmati sabtu sore kami di sana.... tidak menyangka kami akan jalan-jalan jauh dari rumah (Saya, Surabaya. Ibe, Tabanan-Bali)

Monas, 16 Juli 2011

-Namun setiap pagi, setidaknya saya selalu melihat matahari pagi satu kali! Dalam perjalanan dari Tebet menuju Kebon Sirih, kami selalu melewati daerah Manggarai. Lokasi yang sumpek karena bertemunya, sungai, pasar, lintasan komuter, jalur Trans, serta berjubelnya kendaraan. Saya melihat cercah-cercah sinar diantara Komuter yang lewat, tiang-tiang listrik, serta pantulan cahaya dari air sungai yang keruh. Begitu semrawut. Tapi, begitu saya melihat ekspresi orang-orang yang melintas di Manggarai, saya melihat, inilah Matahari di Manggarai! Pancaran mata yang optimis, jiwa yang gigih, berlomba-lomba mendahului Matahari. Orang-orang yang tetap semangat walau harus berdesak-desakan di Trans, duduk di atas atap komuter, metromini hingga mobil bos-bos yang balapan di jalan sepanjang Manggarai, mengjear Matahari. Harapan.

Itulah secuil cerita saya di Jakarta. tidak ada yang hilang di sini. Kejujuran, Keikhlasan, dan Harapan dapat saya temui setiap hari di tengah kesempitan ekonomi, sumpeknya tata kota, dan waktu yang seakan berlari di sini.

2011-07-24T02:47:00.000-07:00

I almost fall.

I am not stronger as it seems.

First.

My body betrayed me.

Second.

My eyes betrayed me.

Third.

It never been easy.

When everything is gone, in a blink of an eye. When you suppose to be not this sad, but you can't avoid of being sad.
When you are almost fall. But you choose to walk stand still.

I have no idea.
I need one reason why I should give up for life.
And please tell me there will be hundred reason to fight for life.

I know I'll be okay.
I know I'll be okay.
I know I'll be okay.
I keep telling myself.
I know I'll be okay.
I know I'll be okay.
I know I'll be okay.
And I wipe my tears.
I know I'll be okay.
I'm okay.
Nadia Aulia

:)

2011-07-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

Yeaaaaaay, I watched 30 second to mars this night. It was a loooong night. We were group of three consist of Ibe, Brian, and me.
Boys are so Mars' Freak, and I tried my best to memorize the lyrics. Thus, I had been remember 2 songs only.

I was soo happy tonight, I could be relieved.
Like, at times, bad things happened to me. I don't know why. I'm tired of questioning the same thing for years.

Well, I was so happy, but the sad feelings, sometime, pops the hurt up. Like sensitive teeth attack.

Well, back to the concert, we spent 3 hours on traffic to get there. Okay, we had been stuck at Jamsostek Building (government workforce assurance building) for 1 hour, or more. It just because the labor held an demonstration to confront Jamsostek Corruption happened recently.

Another story, we had to change our bus til 3 times, including shuttle bus in Ancol, it would be 4.

Then, we came there! We watched "Blood Red Shoes" before 30 second to mars.

Okay, I have to admit this.
I'm not so rock girl, but I enjoyed the concert.
And I really love Blood Red Shoes!!

I don't know where the band comes from, but her voice (the vocalist) were incredible.
Then at 00:45 (ON TIME!! :D) 30stm hit the stage and mesmerized the crowd.

I jumped, danced, sang, and shouted. Brian helped me to chase people away, he was quite nice ♥ aaawww.

Then when the shows over, I met several friends from Surabaya. One of them is the one who gave me America Book on my birthday. I was so happy seing him around.

And after the show, we decided to go back to Tebet by taxi. It was Rp 150.000 (ummm it'll less than US $15)

Now, I am about to wait myself fall asleep.
Yes, at times, my heart feels ache.
Like I don't want to know anything about you, or about her, or anything related to you. My heart can't stand pain, and I don't know what to do.

But but but but.... I believe....... A hard way is a good way.
And I believe 30 stm isn't mason, hahaha.

Well, dear my heart, please get real. Stop hurting yourself so bad.
Life still beautiful :)
Nadia Aulia

My friday morning

2011-07-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry for spamming my own blog, since I knew this is the only way I keep up my self sane.

I got that disorder back, I woke up in the sole night and found that this disorder haunted me again.
I wiped the tears on my cheek. I found it dried.
I was crying in my sleep.

I didn't cry in my sleep since 2009, now I got this disorder back. My eyes felt so hurt when it opened.

I knew I was too hard to myself. I forced my self not crying publicly.
I forced my self to act and react logically. While, deep down inside I felt it emotionally.

This morning, I woke up so late, my friend text me and she she wouldn't go to office.
I was in the mood not so going to office either.
I took a bath lazily and told Ibe I wouldn't go either.
He said okay (I hate him for being so peacefully outside, while I know he's quite emotional inside).
Then bibik told me better to go (in a soft way, of course).
And thanks to my aunt's driver whose has good driving skills.

So I decided to go to office, in uncomfortable mood (a broken heart and a wistful minds).

So now, here I an, sitting on the backside wheel, staring Jakarta's morning traffic. And blogging.

Please God, I know am not a good person, but at least give me a chance.
Please take these pain away.
Please I don't want to cry at nights anymore. I have day to run.

Sincerely,
Nadia Aulia

Just random thoughts

2011-07-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

I think, love isn't just about heart.
I think, love must be logical. Physical. And experimental.

When I was with you, I feel like you were the center of gravity.
My attention.
My love.
My all.
Completely for you.

I tried so hard to change my focus
I tried so hard to run from you
But you were my gravity
I gave my all.

Soon, after you deceived my integrity.
Hurt my feelings.
humiliated my logic.
Played me.
Betrayed me.

I knew. You never learn.
I was so angry.
I was so ashamed of myself.

How could I love someone like you?
How could I share my dreams with you?
How could I rely on you?

But I knew, it such a waste.

For you, I was a mistake.
For me, you were delusion.

I'm not mad of you.
I'm not angry.
I forgave what you did.
Everyone made mistake.

And my conclusion goes to these point:

Hating you is the way easier than forgive you.
Loving you is the way easier than leaving you.
Blaming you is the way easier than understands you.

But

I choose the hard way.

Someday, sooner or later, you'll learn, when life's getting hard.
When you'll had kids.
Unexpected problems probably will come.
And family will rely on you.
And you'll be regret for several mistakes in the past.
And you (probably don't) have much time. To fix it.

So many people came and went away from your life.

And I am one of them.

I tell you, good luck.
I tell you, good luck.

I'll be okay.
Please, be good.
Only if you become a good person, this decision will be worth the pain.

:)
Nadia Aulia

Broken heart ~ episode

2011-07-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

My life is a long parade of broken heart.
From planned to unplanned broken heart.
I can't avoid my heart suffered.

When I gave my all.
When I said to my self,
"This one is going to be the last"

My last, didn't choose me, since the beginning.

What should I say?

I had enough ache
I had enough of tears
I had enough this kind of feeling
I need help.
But who's going to help me?

I need someone hug me and said,
"Come on...you're not that strong"
Nadia Aulia

Last

2011-07-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm the last option of yours.
Despite, you're my last stand of love.

I gave them all.
I gave them all.

Now, I don't have any word to say.
I was broken.
Now, It's not broken anymore.
It's gone.

This is the last.
This is the last.
This is my last sacrifice for you.
This is my last sacrifice for love.

I hope I'll be your last victim
I hope I'll be your last prey
I hope you already satisfied now.

I won't see anybody else
Because love always trapped me worsen.

I won't see you again
Not because I hate you
Not because I hate you
it just my heart can't stand it.
It just my heart can't stand it.

I'll give my last breath to work,
I'll give my last breath to people who never be loved,
I'll open an orphanage.
Yes. I'll open an orphanage.
The kids will hug me
The kids will bring smile to me.
Yes. I'll open an orphanage.

Someday, when you meet my kids.
Both we'll knew.
Today, I made a good choice.....
Nadia Aulia

me and my boredom

2011-07-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

it's only me with my books, music, and dvds.

i have no surprised.

the only thing bother me is, this feeling feel so familiar. and i hate it.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

2011-07-17T19:38:00.000-07:00

This my number 1 favorite. i read this book when i was in junior high school, that was many years ago (now am 21). and i re-read the English version of this book when i was in Malaysia. I recommended this book to my Japanese sweety Mafuyu.

Mitch Alboom, the author is a Jews with a lack of believes. when he wrote this book, it's all about humanity. nothing correlated with religion.

This is not the story about death. this story is about life. life after death. these are the words that i still remember from this book, approximately :

"people said that every ending is a new beginning. so does the death"

"this is time to figure out anything that can't be explained when you were alive"

"you will know the reason and purpose of your life"

when i read this book, i feel so... human

do you ever feel so worries and questioning to anything you can not explain?

do you ever know that maybe someone you never met also affect your life?

do you know that all of us is connected?

however, we do not know exactly yet.

that's why, reading this book is quite exciting. also in 2004, Hollywood filming this story.

these are some quotes from its movie:

Captain: People stop sacrificing for one another, they lose what keeps them human.

Share this quote

Ruby: Holding anger is a poison...It eats you from inside...We think that by hating someone we hurt them...But hatred is a curved blade...and the harm we do to others...we also do to ourselves...

Share this quote

Blue Man: There are no random acts...We are all connected...You can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind...

Share this quote

Blue Man: Some people think of Heaven as a Garden of Eden...But what is scenery without solace?

Share this quote

Blue Man: Fairness does not govern life and death...If it did, no good man would ever die young...

Share this quote

Blue Man: In heaven, there is no judgment, but rather an opportunity to examine our lives-who we touched, the choices we made, and the consequences of those choices.

Share this quote

Blue Man: There is no fair in life and death. If it were, no good men would die young.

Share this quote

Marguerite: Lost love is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hand... You can't tousle their hair... But when those senses weaken another one comes to life... Memory... Memory becomes your partner. You hold it... you dance with it... Life has to end, Eddie... Love doesn't.

Share this quote

Blue Man: Strangers are family you have yet to come to know.

the last quote is impressive. "Strangers are family you have yet to come to know". So it's like mixed of logical possibilities wrapped with emotional believes. Even the skeptics and agnostic ones believes in balance of nature. anything can be. anything is possible. don't shut yourself from new idea, new people, and new opportunities. who can resist family?

Things i learned from this book:

"we live once, do good things"

i dreamed of ferris wheel for couple years, for me, it's the best description of life

at times we are up, at times we are down.

life's fair, on its own way.

life's belief.

life's... no matter what we've done, what we've been doing, and what we plan to do, it has meaning. even something we thought a meaningless one.

Life's HOPE

2011-07-17T19:30:00.001-07:00

i cried a lot last night and today. it just hurts.

even how strong i am, i can't deny that i took everything too deep.

i wiped my tears, i continue my work.

Me and my sickness

2011-07-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

For many years, I've been crying before bed.
I shattered by so many things happened in my early life.
In elementary school, I was an astronomy book junkie. I was thinking that everything in this universe has a specific cubicle pattern. I started to know about number of phi 1.6181, then I started to know about big bang theory, black hole, red stars, blue stars, yellow stars, milky way, and also the formed of mars mantel.

When I was in junior high school, I started to like novels. Fairish and Dealova, a cheesy one.
But I also read: burung manyar promodya ananta toer, cerita rakyat dari blora, aku tsumandjaja, kisah novelet perwayangan, nh dini, cerita pendek kompas, last but not least anything encyclopedia.

I enjoyed paintings. I loved mona lisa, manet, and indonesian artist affandi.
I made poems. I was so good in using difficult words.
I used jelaga for ash.
I used nokhtah for blood dot
I used bayu for air
I used tirta for water
I was so good at words.

I could made intonation from words, I could made hidden meaning in every sentence.
I was emotionally rich.

Since then, I was involved in insecurity feeling.
Mostly, I cried without any reason.
I was so proud with myself.
I learned a lot.
I achieved a lot.
I didn't know about "failure"

The more I grown up, I made so many mistakes. And trapped in my disguised insecurity.
I was so afraid of red marks, so I choose to cheat.
I was so afraid of being told, so I lied.
I was so afraid of being weird, so I made up myself.

Now, I'm living with this sickness inside me. I was so, compassionate inside, but I choose to hide. Questioning almost everything, my mind never sleep, and my heart never stop from aching.

I imagine sad stories with happily ever after endings in my head, I cry, and I fall asleep.

But thank God, reading and writing keep me sane.
I hide, almost every emotion. But people knowing me best, they can read my face.

I keep telling to my brain for slow down. I keep telling to my heart for not beating this hurt.

People knows me strong. So I am.

Well, I object if you think, am living a lie! I'm not.
I just live normal.
while I'm not.

I am different
My brain function differently
My heart is too sensitive
And my intuition always lead me to something scary.

I am so afraid of people.
If I open to them, they hurt me.
If I chase them away, I can't stop blaming myself to do such evil.

Me and my sickness.
Maybe I can't describe how I feel.
Maybe you feel the same.
Maybe I was just little bit crazy, or overwhelmed.

But this is me.
And I'm working on it.

I believe God sent me to this universe, for a purpose.
Yes. For a purpose.

Nadia Aulia

books I read

2011-07-14T02:36:00.000-07:00

did i told you that i do more reading recently. well, i'll mention some tittles so you know how i feel for each.

novels i read in these past 3 months

1. 5 people you meet in heaven (english version, Mitch Alboom)

2. Ranah Tiga Warna (The 2nd book of A.Fuadi after the first best selling "Negeri 5 Menara")

3. 10 autumn 9 summer (Iwan Setyawan)

4. Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)

5. Coffee For The Mind (Hingdranata Nikolay)

6. Artemis Fowl: Atlanits Final Complex (Eoin Colfer, well, am still working with this one :p)

7. Women, Work & The Art of Savoir Faire (Mireille Guiliano)

The last 2 books i mentioned, there were a gift. Artemis is book i got from Ibe (the only copied in my city Surabaya), the last was from Mas Sayek, best friend on mine. and i love their presents really. that was the best birthday ever.

well, i really want to talk more about books, but i need to clean up my desk. i think i need a rest after a long overtime yesterday.

so, ttyl peps!

promise me, you don't mind reading my review on the next posts!

i love you

chips on my shoulder

2011-07-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

They said, "you're smart and beautiful, there will be men lining you"

So typical. Yes, I cherished by words, doesn't mean I can say so.
In fact, I can't find a perfect man for me.

The only thing I want is the one not my type.
Okay, it's confusing.

But yes,
Like I stated, "I like this boy. He's gonna be mine!"
Well, time after time, I realized, he's not the one matched with my criteria.
But he is the only I want to have.

I want him changed.
I don't want anyone else.

Nadia Aulia

let's catch life!

2011-07-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

I found that some of girls are just too happy for being sad.
We fall into sad songs, sad stories,
We fall for tears.

We believe that someday, every pain is paid. Someday, somewhere, somehow.. We'll see a happy face of us. Under a perfect sky, with a big smile painted on our face, a happiness after a long story of pain. A perfect happiness of patience.

I believe that. I'm just normal girl who falls in love with fairy tale, and happily ever after endings.

Like all hollywood's drama, every book I read, every song I hear. A happy lyrics.

So, every time I think of you, I feel like someday we will be happy.
I thought you were different, end of my journey. Worth to keep. Worth to fight. So I fight too hard for you.

And time telling me the opposite. I might be wrong, I might be lost, so you are.

It just not our time to conquer how this story should be.
We just too young to understand, and we waste our time.
While we're busy hating each other, life is rotating around us.

So I tell you, goodbye :)
You fulfilled my life with stories, so I did to you.
One of my favorite part.
One of my favorite lesson to learn.
One of my favorite dream.

How you tore me with anything you did, how you cheer me with simple things,
How you lied,
How you made excuses for bad things,
How you become wise while I'm rushing myself,
How you price the pride,
How you believe in your purpose,
Your idea,
Your believes,
Your pride,
Your weakness,
Your lost,
Our simple talks,
Our deep talks,
Our purposes,
Things we've done.

I remember every detail of it.

And at times, there are so many people dwell in our dreams, but only one person stays in our real.

And maybe, it's not you, anymore.
Whatever you've done, whoever you become, no longer in my sight.

Swollen heart I were, but not now.
I'm single inside out.
And I can feel love, still.

Maybe not for you.
Time will tell.

So, Let's Catch life!

Nadia Aulia

missing

2011-07-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

My coffee gettin' cold, sitting on my bench, staring at perfect sky. I miss how you were projected in my mind, not how you are today.
Nadia Aulia

Chronicles of My Birthday

2011-06-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

This is my 21st birthday and i was so happy today. so many surprises, so much happiness.

well, in Western Countries people who turned to 21 is allowed to do whatever they want to do. also in Indonesia, we allowed to buy alcohol and they won't kicked me out from club or casino. in 21, i know, i already mature. well, being mature is something tiring. yes, it'll be excited we can do anything we ever wish we could do when we were younger, and we'll be surprised by so many responsibility that followed.

like always, let me remind myself about past. there are so many things that i already passed. so many people come and go, not many people stay. when i was 12, i treated my best friends to cinemas, and it would be enough. when i was 13, i got crush, and i got 2 cassettes from Indonesian Band that i adore so much. i still remember, i got Ada Band "Metamorphosis" and "the best of Ada Band" from two different guy, one of them gave me a book of poem that i never read. i thrown it away to dustbin, i regret in now. how mean i were. When i was 14 i got Cow Doll as present from my ex, that was my first doll, and i keep it until now. I used to hug him a lot, now, i use it as pillow, i throw him every time i got mad, and i at times i sneeze on my Cow. well, i still love it. it was the first, that's all. When i was 15, the same ex bf gave me (if am not mistake) novels for my birthday, and of course a bunch of flower. red rose, for your noticed. i love red rose, and always love red roses. i start to know romance, and how romance could give me vibes, a dreamy-emotion side. and when i was 16 he gave me.... shit. i can't remember. shoes? dolls? ah! necklace! (i keep it until now, just because i don't know what to do with it). well, at my 17 i thrown a sleepover party at Novotel with my jhs best friends. they gave me present like always (well, actually they always give me, like wallet, dolls, photo frame, etc. it was lovely). also my ex gave me Z610 pink for my 17 birthday present. such a luxury for casual girl like me. i mean, i love the phone, but i never expect that much. the last birthday that i spend with the same ex, he gave me ring. a butterfly ring. yes i keep it. when i turn to 19, i had no boyfriend, but my (another) ex gave me a huge huge teddy bear, that was the biggest teddy i ever got. well, i keep the teddy, in fact i donate it to my youngest sister. when i was 20, i also didn't have boyfriend, but i already had L'amitie (my besties girls in collage), they thrown a surprise party for me. some of boys gave me like, photograph, Daniel Sahuleka limited edition DVDs, and another presents that i can't remember.

now am 21....

i thought, i wouldn't get that much. they told me that life is like ferris wheel, once you're on top, next time you're below. i thought, it'll be the time, when i got nothing in my birthday. i wish for nothing. i just said to myself, "even there's none celebrates my birthday, i will make it special!"

but, i was wrong. so many people fulfilled my birthday. my jhs best friends, my shs classmates, my collage friends, my boys friends. at 12 o'clock, my senior gave me a book that i like very much. America

i give you link for further info: http://www.bookfinder.com/author/jake-rajs/

he congratulated and conveyed the wishes at 12 o'clock, he gave me silverqueen also (what a surprise! :) ) and a creative simple birthday cake from McD cheese burger. at 9am in the morning the real cake were coming. Icang gave me black forest tart from Holland, and i like it so much. i always love black forest, he didn't know that. he just made it right.

at 3pm the surprise come,

they knocked my room, and tadaaaa.... they all coming. i was so happy. they gave me cake, and cracked an egg onto my head. they were 9 of them, sat on my sofa and we talked so many things.

at 5 pm, my best mate come to home, and gave me hijab. a veil. he said, someday i'll wear it. and that was so remarkable! for the 1st time i got veil for my birthday present. he even knows that i can't arrange it in the right order. then, the same best mate help me to pick up my mother from airport, she was from Jeddah, flown with Malaysian Airlines. and my mother gave me watch. the 2nd watch as birthday gift. the first was guess for my 19. then at 11.30 pm, another best friend of mine call me, he said, he wants to be the last person who said happy birthday to me. well, he was so sweet. i thought he forgot my birthday, actually he made it more deep by calling me and say that. well, yes, so much happiness like i told you.

but, don't you ever heard this words, "too much happiness makes you terrified"

am not that good, i mean, yes, i always celebrate my best friend birthday, and as much as i can i always taking care of others, but why these goodness happen to me? i feel, i'm not deserved it. so, like Icang said, it'll be sadness after happiness, and happiness after sadness. i had a fight with him tonight, my first fight in 21st. and one of my collage family passed away (a madam from the cafeteria's shop seller) , in my birthday. she used to close with me. i used to talk to her on her first days, i told her to prepare extra food on specific days, she remembers me as talk active girl who always paid food for week, like a prepaid system. she passed away, already. i was so sad. she passed away on my birthday, and this is so real. i mean, i can celebrate my birthday as big as i wish. i can tell to world, i'm the most happy girl on earth. but it wasn't real. death is real. it can be far, it can be near. we never know, how much longer our time. and i spend it, in fights. and i spend my time, in confusing which person should i give my loyalty. i waste my time, while truthfully, my time will be running out someday. it can be far, it can be near. so thank God, for these amazing 21 years, the happiness already born and shared. i hope for the rest time of mine in this world, i could give meanings to other. i could value myself, like a co-creator for society.

Phillip Kotler said, in this globalization, there will be awakening of creative community, that will push to help people living in sustain. to warn people, that life isn't just about living or staying, but maintaining, helping, sharing, and creating. i want to create something. why? simple, to leave a legacy in life.

"someday, we will be a memory. make sure, we will be a good memory for everyone"

how much time do we have?

the quotes that stuck in my mind... (Before Sunset Best Quotes)

2011-06-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Jesse: Oh, God, why didn't we exchange phone numbers and stuff? Why didn't we do that?

Celine: Because we were young and stupid.

Jesse: Do you think we still are?

Celine: I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.

Jesse: And you can screw it up, you know, misconnect.

What if you had a second chance with the one that got away?

Maybe what I'm saying is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was whacked with insecurity. Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I see it in the people that do the real work, and what's sad in a way is that the people that are the most giving, hardworking, and capable of making this world better, usually don't have the ego and ambition to be a leader.

Jesse: You want to know why I wrote that stupid book?

Celine: Why?

Jesse: So that you might come to a reading in Paris and I could walk up to you and ask, "Where the fuck were you?"

Celine: [laughing] No - you thought I'd be here today?

Jesse: I'm serious. I think I wrote it, in a way, to try to find you.

Celine: Okay, that's - I know that's not true, but that's sweet of you to say.

Jesse: I think it is true. What do you think were the chances of us ever meeting again?

Celine: After that December, I'd say almost zero. But we're not real anyway, right? We're just, uh, characters in that old lady's dream. She's on her deathbed, fantasizing about her youth. So of course we had to meet again.

Jesse: Oh, God, why weren't you there, in Vienna?

Celine: I told you why.

Jesse: Well, I know why, I just - I wish you would have been. Our lives might have been so much different.

Celine: You think so?

Jesse: I actually do.

Celine: Maybe not. Maybe, we would have hated each other eventually.

Jesse: Oh what, like we hate each other now?

Celine: You know, maybe we're - we're only good at brief encounters, walking around in European cities in warm climate.

EET

2011-06-18T00:59:00.000-07:00

EET

she's genious!

EET by Regina Spektor explained me something, well, maybe there isn't a certain meaning of this song. but, while you listen to it and feel it. you'll understand.

i fall for this song, well that wasn't a love song nor a sad song, but it helps me to remind, what kind of my favorite song did i listen a lot.

can you imagine, how many song that accompanied us every night since we used to listen to radio?

how many feeling that sinked underneath this heart?

how many story that we passed?

could you remember any exact feeling, while every time we holding the past, it feels so far.

with this song, i remember every song that i used to hear a lot.

with this song, i remember every feeling that my favorite songs bring

with this song, i know that life has no backspace.

with this song, i know isn't just about past or future.

this is life, and this is us.

we tried to live as normal, people didn't see our scars, but both we knew it was a long story....

and this song reminds me about Before Sunset movie, i don't know, but they are genious! feel it!

To Be Honest

2011-06-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

"you don't have to make up story, when everything you said is honesty"

but at times, admit it. we do lies. i did it too.

mostly i did it because i don't want to hurt someone's feeling, the other is i want to give a good impression on things by lying.

the last movie i saw with my friend, gave me an excuse for lie, "it doesn't matter if you're lying, as long as you know the reason behind it, is for a goodness."

well, i really take the words so deep, so every time i lied to people, i would consider the reason behind it. every time i did it for my self objection, i feel guilt. every time i did it for a good reason, i will gladly to do it over and over again.

and so far, i always tell the truth, i have no intention to lie to people i love. my parents. my best friend. my friend. i raised by honesty, my parents teach me how to rely on truthfulness. my parents teach me how to respect each other by their words and attitude. and my parents teach me how to be a good person with attitude.

an attitude means: we do not lie on serious matter, we lie for sweetness touch, we shows hospitality, warmness, caring, and loving sides to people outside family. but we are hard, discipline, and sarcastic a bit inside the family.

i know that's a code for hypocritical, but for me that's the way to learn how to behave, and excel our behavior from the inside.

okay, it's little bit confusing. well the point is: "Honesty has two sides of effect. it'll be good, it'll be bad. the determines of good and bad, depend on how we take it as caused. if you need to lie, then do it without doubt. if you want to lie to people, go lie to yourself first. Why? Lie is also a truth, until you know it was wrong."

wistful wishing

2011-06-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

yes, wistful wishing!

i knew that am so quite now, i tweet more, i write less.

telling everyone my sadness isn't my type, am not a typical girl who cries for hours in front of my best friend, i did that inside washroom thou.

well, since i get used to my routine i feel so blessed. Now, i can finish my assignment in time, and i can control my feelings. my bf called me "drama queen" i might be a drama queen.

after all the things he did to me, he should be thankful i stand still.

well, i told you a funny story. Long time ago, i was thinking to travel around the world, i read a lot of books, from a lot of author. name it! they told me a lot to travel, to be "hijrah", to move to somewhere else.

i knew that travel... is like the only way to conquer all of my curiosity. i said to myself (that time), i want to have at least 30 stamps of countries before 45. like, i want to go to the nicest place on earth so that i can see the beauty of this life... and i want to go to the poorest place on earth where hunger and poverty lies so i can taste my humanity sides.

i want to travel for a meaning, not only the places but also the people. not only the people, but also the nature. such a dreamer rite?

*call me drama queen, i don't mind*

so, i wrote onto those papers, i wrote on my page, i wrote everywhere, that i want to travel. i wish i moved from this city. i mean, 21 years of living should be too much for me. it wasn't i dislike being here, but i want to see the world more.... not only someone's report on his/her writings.

so, i desperately told to my best friend Britney, "Brit, i wanna have a pilot as my husband, and i want my son becomes pilot too. i don't like doctor, pilot is more challenging, and oh, he can take me to travel!"

and voila! she set me up with a pilot, now, i have him as bf. and oh, the problem is more than just that. aviation life.... you know... at times it's sooooo hard.

i still remember what my bf said, "if you want to be with me, it'll be LDR for a life time..."

and this one, "you know, in my profession there are lot of affairs, lot of crasser, nothing predictable... we work based on weather"

i know, he already engaged to his profession more than he engaged to me. and during this dating (a virtual and non virtual dating), i wished he wasn't a pilot. but i know, it stupid.

i wished to travel around the world (it'll be possible if i marry him)

i wished a pilot as my husband (it'll be possible if Allah says so)

i wished my son becomes a pilot (it'll be easier, if i marry him)

but........... after i know him deeper and deeper.

i wish he's near

i wish (if i marry him someday), i want he stays at home at nights.

i wish he understands me more.

i wish he loves me the way i love him.

i know, it's random. but lemme tell you one thing... i think this life has a lot of possibilities.

i could stay, or i could leave.

choose to believe him, in any situation even the worst one.

or, i could simply make up a problem and get rid over him.

or maybe, he could leave me.

or hold me forever.

i could choose to move outside this country and find a scholarship.

or, simply wait him at home in the future.

i could be a good girl, a good daughter, a good best friend, a good lover

i could turn to be a bad person.

so i cite a quotation from Source Code, "can you imagine a different version of you?"

yes, all the possibilities might be a different version of me. and it's start from a simple... a very simple thing.......... a wish.

so be careful with your wish!

blurry

2011-05-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

let us start from: blurry, old, fun, just picture...

I have new hobby, capturing everyday's moment with 4 lens lomo. i know it was too late, lomo did no longer happening. but who cares? since i only took 19 credits, no longer in Eureka, almost no longer active in student association, and all i can do is waiting a call from my bf. phew. it such a crap.

photo 1: my bestfriend britney we sat on random chairs, not a photogenic one

photo 2: me with origami

well, doesn't mean i don't like to talk with him in hours, i like it! but i have to make myself busy with stuffs. the more he ignores me, the more i keep my interest on him. like unravel curiosity.

i don't know how it ends?

so, i decide to keep myself busy, like cooking (my friend who tastes my meal said that it was plain, lol), lomo-ing, more browsing, arrange my old songs to folders, read a bit more, and waiting. don't you think it's fun, do you???

well, i already accepted in one big company for internship in the next July, am dying to work there... i think that's the only "real" goal in my life rite now. to have internship in July.

yeah, i know, it doesn't sound so me... while i always have a plan for every step, for every timeline in my life.

like i plan, i'll be retired in 40ies, and i'll own small business, and i'll teach my children with 3 different languages.

now my plans are like:

- waiting my bf qualified

- graduated from collage

- find a job

- married

- travels

well, that were still plans, but that was the first time my plan is related to somebody else, not since i broke up with my 1st bf.

most of my friends, really sorry for my condition rite now. they said this is the worst. maybe they were right. but, after the exchange, i saw so many opportunities outside my frame.

like people in my age motivate themselves to be graduated as best as they can, they'll look for a job, and be married with their partner. live happily ever after. what a pattern.

this is the picture of my l'amitie friends, we had lunch at Galaxy food court that day

then my scenario, what if, i really love someone, i want to see him succeed. i want him to see me as i am, and i want to be a meaning. for him, for family, and maybe, i can do something to my environment.

last night i dreamed about built a playground for multi culture races in Europe. and these recent times, i always thinking about having a ferris wheel. it such a dream!

i still have passion in my subject, i do. i just no longer feel the excitement of campus and environment.

well, honestly, there is still a plan behind all of these.

i want to live abroad.

i don't know why, but it seems life, here, boring. the more you know about people, the less you can talk.

like people talking about people

i did too

but what's the point?

i know every man in these earth are connected, related, affect and affected each other. doesn't mean that we have to know their life, talks their life, and live their life. what a life?

the maturer we become, the more we knew that life wasn't that naive, a good man did bad things, a villain is a hero, and a good girl is always sad. news become trashes and media blow ups. nothing interesting except Hollywood movies and American books.

so, where's the point?

tell me where's the point. ah, i want to live in movie, like sex in the city, or no string attached, or life as we know it, or a source code.

making the right decision, and making the good story to read. all my life now? stagnancy.

i want to see my boyfriend often, i want him to love me more, i want him to love me just me. or just erase my feeling for him. continue my single life, find a perfect soul mate?

i don't know what i really want rite now... blurry.

2011-05-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

it's been a hard time for me, literally.

actually, there's nothing i want to share. i read a lot these past days. but then, i don't have any hesitate to write since i know, some of stories just better to be kept.

i met so many amazing peoples in my life, i surrounded by great friends. nothing made me happier than loved by the persons you love. so, i still haven't any plan for my life.

well, while my life is about stagnancy, sadly i have to say, my bf does too (did i mention that i run over his arms again?). he waits for his flight schedule. it bit stressful, being paid to do nothing. well, the things he all can do is hanging around with other pilots or flight attendants. a bunch of flight attendants (maybe).

so i pray all the time, so he'll get the best plan for his work.

sometimes, when i stare myself into mirror i see a poor girl who doesn't have passion. an ugly one with sad face, trying to be sincere as much as she can.

well, i might lost anything. but i know, living like this are worth enough.

since did you know this phrase, "is not the heavy of problems that made you fatigue, it's the time you passed holding them"

maybe, it wasn't a big problem, so you didn't blew it off, you hold it, live with it. you carried sadness all the way around. you didn't know how to turn it back, there's no way back.

so the options are only two. you take that problem while hoping someday it'll be over. or you'll get rid over it, jump to another happiness then turn to sad, and happy, and sad, and happy, and sad......... a parade of seductive-broken-hearted-journey.

so, i picked option one.

well, i know my nature always made me lingers onto sadness.

but well, at least i survived rite?

i shud give myself a reward for it.

and i hope, someday my bf will said out loud to the world, "hey, this tough girl, is mine!"

UPs and Down

2011-04-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

you can see anything what you want, you can read, listen, and say whatever you want. but none will guarantee what's effect does follow.
you suffer from love, we are.
women do.

we knew, we hurt, we learnt, we grew up.
i've been there.
naive, stupid, and hurt.

i still hurt.
i changed. but some of me remain the same.
time leads us into different path, time leads me into a new path so i met someone.

there are so many UPs in life. met up. broke up. grew up.
at the end a DOWN follows.
it's "Settle DOWN"

2011-04-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

beberapa orang diciptakan untuk jadi sampah di hidupmu. beberapa orang mengecewakanmu. beberapa orang membuatmu belajar. beberapa orang membuatmu marah. dan ada saatnya kamu berhak marah.

wipe cream

2011-04-15T04:17:00.000-07:00

every ice blended coffee has wipe cream at top. like every black forest has cherry.

like every smile has a happy effect. so, i try to make up my smile.

honestly, i don't know what kind of post shud i write, my life turns upside down. everything that i wish i had, falling apart. torn to pieces.

my subjects, my mid term results, my working life, my bestfriend, my boyfriend.

can you imagine, whaddaya feel if ur bestfriend has a crush with your crush?

and your bestfriend turns to stranger

and your boyfriend cheated you for flight attendant

and you lost your job

and you couldn't get into any subject at school because you skipped class like 2 months.

these are what happened to my life rite now.

i've been in such difficult time before... i fail in every long distance relationship, but i can't find someone good enough around me.

i fall for bad boys, and the only good boy i see.. he's not meant to be with me.

well, lemme skip about personal life.

since i decided to resign from my job, i don't have any income. my saving is drain.

and i don't have enough money...even to top up my cell phone or buy some gassoline for my car.

yes, my mom still give me some.

but I already 20! and almost 21. and am so....underestimated because i can't be independent like i always want to be.

while, am looking for new good boy, and start to fix my life, i think am looking for new job too. i don't want to work in media anymore.

i know media is such a pleasure for me, that was my passion. but then, the salary is so low.

it can't pay my gassoline.

i want to write something, commercially.

but i know my writing skill is degrade by days. i need to improve mine, but too lazy to start.

i need to prioritize everything!

like today, i missed where i put my cash and i lost my sunscreen (i forgot where i put it). i know, my mind ought to be somewhere else. like i put everything inside.

and oh, the funny thing that happened today, is my ex's girlfiend got jelous on me. i even have a crush with my ex. oh come on.

remember about my first ex that i loved so much? he turns to person that i never want to marry with. why on earth she got jelous on me?

it so funny.

well the truth is, the only person that i like, is him.

he's so different.

i madly in love with him. he's kind of drug.

he's bad, but still i need him.

he goes to with other girls

he lies to me

he cheated me

he's bad.

and am good.

too good to live this unfair "friendship"

so, now, am looking for new opportunities out there.

new life.

new job.

new love.

new journey!!

"at the end, you will see trough the sky... that your journey was beautiful"

with the flow

2011-04-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

am so tired, failing in the same matters over and over again. i don't know why this happened to me? (i know, i always ask the same question).

i don't have any plan rite now, i don't have anything to hold.

am sad, a total sad. no one will understand.

but, what shud i do?

nothing.

i hate to repeat the same sad songs.

i need time

i need something

to hold

i let him go

but he stays in my heart.

i need time, to chase him away, from my heart.

i need time.

to start all over again.

i never change

2011-03-31T06:24:00.000-07:00

Some people who believes in zodiac said that Cancer is the most conservative of all. Mine is Cancer in sun sign, and Leo in moon sign, two big difference in mentality and esteem.

my mind is the way more calm than my soul. while my soul is more passionate, superior, and stubborn. my mind is all about forgiveness, tolerate, and love.

yes. i love someone with my brain.

and yes, at times, my heart leads me into something wrong. everytime i let my emotion takes place. it's always wrong. and i never change. like i never learn.

in these days, i kind of sad because so many things. i feel like, i left behind. i don't know what to do. my friends didn't talk much to me, just boys. i don't why, a mournful girl like me always seem attracting for boys.

i spent too much time to think how my relationship could be, am about to give up but i still linger on him. my boy friends try to make a joke with my ugly sadden face. they were nice.

my girl friends didn't talk much, i know, i giggle less these days. and girls love giggling.

3 from my 4 realtionships were like this. the first was the worst. the wounds still remain, after years. it doesn't mean that i can't move, but i have a good memory of pain. i can remember every detail and every destruction from whom i loved.

now, i feel like, i let myself doing the same thing again. my positive side said that i was prepared for this. i can handle this. my negative side said that, "don't be stupid! you owe yourself a happiness. don't be a fool!"

actually, i don't care whether he'll cheat or not, he'll lie or not. it's absolutely his right to do whatever he wants to do.

i just don't want to be a victim, of a stupid relationship. a stupid long distance relationship.

while my study is so real. my dreams, my passion, my target...are so real.

i know, i never change. i always sad because nothing. i always sad, and boys always cheer me up. i happy for a moment, until i left them, and they'll hate me. i used them for my own satisfaction. and as punishment, i fall in love with the man who doesn't care as much as i expect him to be. he fails me.

i never change. i keep on this track for years. am a difficult, odd, and selfish person who always underestimate herself. and at the end, i'll fall asleep in despair. i waste my time. i hurt myself. i made wrong decision for me. and i made myself, regretting for it. all the time.

i don't know, which one is true. i always meet badluck in love or i always screw up everything which actually not that bad. tell me?

existence of coffee in my life

2011-03-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

White Coffee "a mixed of arabica and espresso grains, which decreases the caffeine level so this coffee becomes light made, yet still stylish."

Indian Coffee Tosse "repeated shaking and droping into two different mug, made this coffee has lot of bubbles"

did i tell you that i have an addiction to coffee?

if you want to know more about its history, here the story:

For us Westerners coffee is three hundred years old, but in the East it was widespread as a beverage, in every level of society, since earlier times. The first definite dates go back to 800 b.C.; but already Homer, and many Arabian legends, tell the story of a mysterious black and bitter beverage with powers of stimulation. In the year 1000 about, Avicenna was administering coffee as a medecine. And there is a strange story, dating from 1400, of a Yemeni shepherd who, having observed some goats cropping reddish berries from a bush, and subsequently becoming restless and excited, reported the incident to a monk. The latter boiled the berries, and then distilled a bitter beverage, rich in strength, and capable of dispersing sleep and weariness.

However the discovery occurred, the fact remains that the coffee plant was born in Africa in an Ethiopian region (Kaffa). From there it spread to Yemen, Arabia and Egypt, where it developed enormously, and entered popular daily life.

By the late 1500’s the first traders were selling coffee in Europe, thus introducing the new beverage into Western life and custom. Most of the coffee exported to European markets came from the ports of Alexandria and Smyrna. But the increasing needs of a growing market, improved botanical knowledge of the coffee plant, and high taxes imposed at the ports of shipment, led dealers and scientists to try transplanting coffee in other countries. The Dutch in their overseas colonies (Batavia and Java), the French in 1723 in Martinique, and later on in the Antilles, and then the English, Spanish and Portuguese, started to invade the tropical belts of Asia and America.

In 1727 coffee growing was started in North Brazil, but the poor climatic conditions gradually shifted the crops, first to Rio de Janeiro and finally (1800-1850) to the States of San Paolo and Minas, where coffee found its ideal environment. Coffee growing began to develop here, until it became the most important economic resource of Brazil.

It was precisely in the period 1740-1805 that coffee growing reached its top spread, in Center and South America.

Although coffee was born in Africa, plantations and home consumption are comparatively recent introductions. Actually it was Europeans who introduced it again, into their colonies, where, thanks to favourable land and climatic conditions, it was able to thrive.

-----------------------------------------------------taken from: random page *geez, sorry i lost the link. help me find then! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i have so many lists of coffee, and tastes. i have a tongue to determine whether a coffee's quality is good or not. i can make the best coffee, thanks for million practices. coffee affects my life.

there were some occasions for slurp a coffe:

1. one night before exam term

2. a bright sunny side up, when i was too sleepy to open my eyes

3. during a good book

4. during working on assignments

5. in a gentlemen gathering

6. in a approching session, it's even better to have a coffee with boyf.

7. with friends

8. with bestfriend that you love, you'll need more and more cups for a long nite.

9. but, i need coffee the most... when am all alone.

i know, it'll be bad dringking to much coffee, like i always have at least one bad habit in every habitual daily. coffee, ice cubes, too much coke, too much shisha, can't stand veggies, so on and on. so there were some bad impacts from coffee (in this case is caffeine):

Caffeine increases heartbeat, respiration, basal metabolic rate, gastroenteric reflexes, and the production of stomach acid and urine; and it relaxes smooth muscles, notably the bronchial muscle. All of these changes vary considerably among people and may depend upon the individual's sensitivity to this drug, his/her metabolism, or upon whether the consumer habitually uses or rarely uses caffeine. How long caffeine's effects last is influenced by the person's hormonal status, whether he/she smokes or takes medications, or has a disease that impairs liver functioning.

Subjectively, people report that caffeine gives them a "lift." They feel less drowsy, less fatigued, more capable of rapid and sustained intellectual effort. They also report improved performance of some manual tasks such as driving. However, caffeine may restore only those abilities or feelings the person had before fatigue or boredom set in. Studies have also shown that caffeine decreases reaction time to both visual and auditory stimuli; it does not significantly alter numerical reasoning (arithmetic skills) or short-term memory; and it can diminish performance of manual tasks that involve delicate muscular coordination and accurate timing.

------------------------------------------taken from: http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/caffeine/caffeine_effects.shtml------------------------------

well, i also have comparison degree of coffee, black coffee in my very first top list. followed by espresso, cappucino, and latte. mixed blended coffee were the last. if we compare to variety, i prefer arabica grains much better than espresso, in fact that arabica has more caffeine which is more worse to health.

as we know, everything has two sides. for some people coffee gives them relaxation (like cigs). for me, it kind of unique, while i hate cigs so much but i love coffee as well.

like the old and slang phrases say about coffee:

-Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second. - Edward Abbey

-With enough coffee, anything is possible
-Instant human. Just add coffee.
-If it weren't for coffee, I'd have absolutely no personality whatsoever!
-Don't criticize my coffee. You may be old and weak one day.
-Some things in life are better rich. . . coffee, chocolate, men.
-There is no life before coffee.
-I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!
-Chocolate, men, coffee - some things are better rich.
-Caffeine isn’t a drug, it’s a vitamin !!
-Coffee has two virtues: it’s wet and warm.
-I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
-All the coffee in Columbia won’t make me a morning person
-Retirement is one great big giant coffee break.
-On the eighth day God created coffee.
-Is there life before coffee? There is NO life before coffee. There is life AFTER coffee !!

taken from: http://www.funnylittlesayings.com/coffeephrases.htm

and the best part:

Some books on coffee (such as Coffee Dates for Couples" by Janel Breitenstein, Margie Clark and Amy L. Bradford)

This is not what I want

2011-03-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

there's no girl in this world wants to be hurt, wants to be the number two. any of us, wants to be happy, wants to be priority. it was our nature, in an ideal condition.

at times, we need to decide, whether we settled as the number two or to leave our one. like the old times, love is above everything.

i know, this conclusion is stupid. i can't believe myself to write such a naive post like this. but yes, i learned a lot. how to be a woman.

but still, this is not what i want.

i don't know how to deal with love, if there were another girl involved in this. but it happened many times due to my love life experiences.

i fought with another girl, i got mad at her, i underestimated by her, i've been humiliated a lot by the creature called women.

in the name of love, they hurt me by their words.

in the name of love, they seize my partner like so many times

in the name of love, they flirt with mine!

and in the name of love, i can do nothing. but stay rockened.

such a loser, i knew i acted such a loser.

i can't even make them stop,

i act more like boys when i have to face girls. it because, i am stronger.

i can't cry easily, i always cry secretly.

i always face the hard matter, while they were freakin' out behind me.

or maybe it because, i am the eldest of three girls in my family.

now, am so sad.

i don't know what to do.

i don't want anyone touch mine, he's mine! he's mine!

but, if someone wants him bad... should i wait? should i let it be?

i keep silent.

i can be mad at my boyf,

i can shout at him, if i want to

but i never can make a girl cries.

am stronger than the average

but still, am not strong enough to keep this pain.

no one happy with this.

can you imagine, i need to control myself for this 2 months. i hurt everytime i see how my boyf treaten by her. i can be mad at him, because he is a man. *even i didn't do that.

my emotions still in control, but no one can understand how hurt i feel inside.

and what kind of damage that i keep only for myself, and my blog.

am stronger than the average,

but still, not strong enough to keep this pain any longer.

2011-03-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

i couldn't say anything, not because i couldn't find the english word but it was too difficult to say what we feel, inside.

2011-03-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

wednesday

i write this post instead of making my proposal which shud handed by friday. too lazy, i know. well, i went back home in last monday, i was so happy to meet my friends, see the people around. am so happy to back home, my extra large bed, my private restroom and its warm water, my tv, aircon, homemade foods, maid, and absolutely cars! (i was too tired of walking everyday in KL and Singapore.)

some people say that "exchange" was kind of life changing experience, too cliche, but true. please don't imagine about life opportinities, global success, or something like that. because everything i've got was much much more than that.

before i went for exchange, i talked to my friends about what kind of benefit i might got after exchange. and she said, "you'll meet interesting person from all over the world"

and i didn't believe that, i mean, when you go somewhere, the 1st impression is all about the place and environment. and my exchange destination was Malaysia, so i could predict how the environment could be.

friday

i already submit my assignments, yeay, i suppose to be free rite nw, but not that easy, i have to collect data for quisionary as well, and i had to finish my internship proposal by this weekend. i used to this rytme now... even this is not what i want. i wonder why people work so hard for (almost) nothing.

for example:

-here, the school system were full with deadline, they are too scared if the student become lazy and handed the assignments late. but then the deadline were irrational at all.. it made our work becomes lacking in quality. as a student, most of all, didn't care much to quality.. we did the work as fast as we can, but then no quality! what a pity.

-here, if the class starts at 7, then it means student will head to the class at 7, and reached there by 7.05 or even 7.10. why people so lazy?

i know, i don;t want to be naive by critisize others and this life used to be my life. sooo, i try to deal with it, i try to adapt with environment, and try to be a better person. at least, i know what's good and bad.

well, i'll continue my post later.. maybe with a topic to read. ciao, folks!

Am so sad

2011-03-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

How I cover this sadness. Am so sad. Am so sad. I can't say it to anyone, I have no one. I can't say it to the world, people might know. I can't say it to my friends, because we are here for internship.
How I cover this sadness, I put a mask onto my face, I can pretend so strong, I can live my life normally, I can run a good life here, but then am so sad. And I can't tell to anyone.
Am just too strong... But this time am dying. I miss home. The only place I feel I safe.
Am just too strong...
But this time, am dying...
I almost die :(

Sent by DiGi from my BlackBerry® Smartphone

pursuing happiness

2011-03-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

i know i cant be happy. it's only about pain and suffer. but then, am strong. my heart could survive, or it could die.

2011-03-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

i was so sad these previous days. i don't know what was making me so angry, until i said, i can't stand it anymore in my current relationship. i was too pissed off at that moment. i acted like a child. i knew that.

but then it wasnt totally wrong. it was true. there's no possibility to have a fair relationship in a condition like this. he was just too busy with his stuffs. he wasn't self centered kind of person, but then everything goes round and round him. that's why, it was hard to make him see me.

i was about to give up yesterday, i know i cant take it. i know i'll hurt more and more. i never become his priority. i cried.

but then, if am single, i also pissed off. no big difference.

so then, i choose to live my life. at least, my professional life is good. i mean, even my relationship is awful, my life stills good. with him or without him, i still continue my life.

if he is not mine, someday, me or him will leave.

if he is mine, slow but sure he will see me as me.

and am pretty sure, there will be a time, when he'll beg for me.

am pretty sure about that.

from a dutchman i learned

2011-03-06T21:44:00.000-08:00

this is my 2nd coffee this day, i spent so much time in front of my laptop. i've done my assignment and now am googling for nothing, downloading so many songs and being isolated from the world.

honestly, am still too lazy to edit my singapore post. since singapore, i went to KL and Penang, which is there are more stories to tell.

but then, i miss my home so much. i mean, there's nothing more here. i've done several workshops, and i think it was good. and am start worrying about my study. if i could then i didn't want to put myself into such a pressure, but that's my real life. this one is just "a good escape"

when i was in penang, i met an old dutchman, his name is Frank, he is 61 years old and traveling. he has a house and hyundai in den haag. but then he leaves his hometown and packs his things to travel around asia.

he said to me, he has something about indonesia. his first girlfriend was indonesian, his daughter was half indonesians and he speaks bahasa.

we talked like 3hours that night, i like him, i mean, he treated me like a young woman not a child. he was a funny oldman.

then he asked me several tricky questions and compliments, like;

"Indonesia such a big country, but then can you mention popular products from Indonesia? let's compare with holland's"

"Am in love with Indonesians, not only their foods, but the way theyre thinking.."

"You know what makes Indonesians so lazy?"

"it's all about culture and mentality...."

"you are rich..."

"i feel home everytime i went back to Indonesia"

i keep talking to him, i tell my whole story about myself. like how i feel different in Indonesia. how, i have such a big dream that anyone cant see it. i complain about cultural changes in my country. and also my love life story. what a conversation.

He said to me, "nowdays, you can be whatever you want. you're not the girl whose waiting for your husband to give you money and beg him like everyday. i see you're the young independent girl of indonesia"

and i said, "yes frank, but then i also want to be a mother. not just a carrier woman who's busy and didn't have much time to take care of her childs. i want to be balance"

then he said, "it's possible. i can see that. why not? it takes big effort to be independent, and more for being balance. ure on the half way through..."

what a word!

he sees me. he appreciates my effort. and he knows how hard it is, for Indonesians. he is the one who gives compliment to our culture and friendlyness. but then i see so many Indonesians forget who we are. we can't value ourselves.

that's what i got from him, that's what i learned. no wonder dutchmans could live here for 350 years. they see what we cant see. from a dutchman i learned.

thanks Frank.

i don't know what a fate that meeting us. but then, i'll always remember you. :)

2011-03-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

why this bond feels so hurt?

it just the beginning

Different Singapore

2011-03-01T00:06:00.002-08:00

i went to singapore last weekend, it was great. i stay at Bussorah Street in bugis area. and lucky us the place is also popular with kampong islam which means it's kind of touristic area, and it was easy to meet backpackers there. (anyway, thank's to Indonesian' backpacker guidebook for recommend that dorm).

at the evening we went to orchard, and you know, because we went there as backpakers.. we didn't take any transportation from Bugis to Orchard. it took 45 minutes to get there on foot. we walked along orchard, mall to mall. we bought some fashion stuffs like clothes or bags, but we didn't spend a lot thou. we were backpacker rite. i seen so many malls, too many. and i got bored. i mean, it just like Jakarta. you can find exclusive shops at GI or Senci, but you can't afford it all. so what for?

i start to buy something from local brands, which will be cheaper if i calculate it my currency. but then, i've nothing more to buy. so, at late evening we sat at cafe in front of our dorm. and it was amazing. that was my second best conversation after melaka. we sat there, and ordered shisha from Turkish Shop. the shisa were really good.

During this internship, i bought shisha two times. first at the Indian Bar in KL which costs RM 35 (free charge for extra tobbacco) and the last at The Turkish Shop in Singapore which costs SGD 14 (free charge for extra tobacco, and free extra pipe). they were more expensive compare to Indonesian Shisha. but it kind of experience, to try different shisha from different makers.

Indian. Arabs. and Turkish as well.

Sooo... here we go to the story, we sat there, and we were start talking about our dialy life. how's our family, what's the different between one country to one country, and just talking and jokes a lot. that was fun. i'll must be missing them when i comeback to Indonesia.

in the 2nd day, i went to chinatown, little india, and marina bay. we did it on foot, yes, on foot. again. i bought lot of souvenirs, but i couldn't find anything for my dad and my boyf. what did you expect from little india and chinatown for gentlemen like them?

well, am not a big fan of chinatown like my sister elva, i hate that actually. i didn't want to spend my money for something made in china, even it was cheap. i want something handmade and unique, so totally i didn't buy anything for myself. i thought i'll find something for me at orchard, but then it never happens.

after afternoon shopping session, at evening i met steff and micha and we went together to Marina Sands Skypark, the building was amazing. for the 1st time i can see, with my own eyes (dengan mata kepalaku sendiri, overwhelmed i knew), what's the meaning of glamorous life.

we went there on foot, so we lost a bit, we entered the building from the mall nearby, stright to casino and hotel's lobby. and everyone seems so pretty. they have "celebrities restaurant" i have no idea who's gonna be there. i've seen so many laborgini, ferari, jaggy, limo, and some handmade cars! damn. "how come, they were so rich?"

i mean, effing rich!!

so i went up to the top of building, it was 65th floor. and.... tralala... it was worth the feet's pained, and it was worth for my SGD 20 :) i never see so many lights and building and firewheels from that high. and..... i missed my boyfriend and family.

actually, it happened everytime i want somewhere beautiful, then i start to miss them, i want to share the beauty of this life with them. so, i texted them :)

...to be continued.

Wherever with you

2011-02-28T09:47:00.000-08:00

I start to hate malaysian's connection. My wifi is down, my digi such a lame. I can't connect to internet at all, except with my handheld.

Well, the recent days were amazing, I went to singapore with other interns. We had fun.
I met backpackers from any other country, I spent my night with them, I felt like the only asian that lost in western colony.

the question that they ask to me, were really deep and toughtfull.. Like, "what's ur best place you can imagine to live?"
And I said, "VIENNA"
why Vienna? I always dream to live there, it's the capital city of austria, where sound of music film takes place.

The guy whom I talk to, he's a german. He lives in the small village near Austria, it takes 1,5hour to get there. He said, "austria also my best place to visit..."
It kind of weird, while some asians believe that Paris is a symbol of europe, but I choose to stay in austria instead of france or uk.

Well, but the thing I want the most is be with my bf..or if am looking for future, I want to be with my husband.

The difference between me and him is, he'd like to fly while my favorite is stay abroad.
He drives aircraft, and enjoys every moment in it. Mine is... I love to fly just to reach other places and stay there.

I feel like I can be anywhere, but it'll be better if I can be somewhere with the one I love. I don't want to see the world alone. I want someone besides me....

It kind of perfect, everytime I think about how the futures could be.
But, not a perfect thou, while the reality hurts so bad.

Distance.

one of the risk that I've to pay.

Lonesome.

Inconvenient environments.

Distrust.

And so many excuse to cry every night.

I want to be happy, but I know,
Even In fairytale, happiness were written only the last chapter.

I hope I can wait him.
I hope, someday, he loves me like I do.
I love him for sure.

But it takes time to declare..."Yeah, he's MINE"
And it takes time to decide... "To stay or to leave"
He's my last. If the last fails, I don't know what to do then.

Love is a complicated thing that happened in my life.

I love you, MAA.

Sent by DiGi from my BlackBerry® Smartphone

impact to society

2011-02-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

YOU never know what's your impact to society, the more activities you did for social, the less you realized how big the impact is.

today, i googled about "student and entrepreneur" and surprised by a picture that captured me with Scout Marciel USA's Ambassador for Indonesia.

I was accepting Mr. Scout to guide him in such exhibition in my campus, i thought it was an ordinary exhibition for academical lubricants. i didn't know that there were many media involved in the event

taken from: http://us.surabaya.detik.com/read/2011/01/26/145943/1555072/1066/dubes-as-beri-kuliah-umum-di-its

then i remember what's my favorite lecture said:

"it doesn't count how big or how small your part is, your perfection in every part does count"

-Mam Maria-

that's why i never complain if someone took my part or someone cheats on me for several times. at the end, I believe that our effort not determined by what's other did to us, but how we appreciate ourselves.

Now, I'm running environment project in Malaysia, the name of my project is: MIRACLE stands for Malaysia Interactive Cultural Learning Experience and I'm so happy being participated in this project.

Today was my 17th day in Malaysia, and I conducted several workshop already. honestly, it was kind of weird to be here for social purpose. I mean, the amount of Indonesian peoples living in Malaysia is around 2,2 million and the purpose of their migration are only two: 1. for working 2. for shopping and travelling. and am not that kind.

My purpose to be here are for cultural study and social responsibility. sometimes, it's hard, really. when you come to a country which has a tension with your nationality, and you come to help others (interact with peoples, taking care of social issue, race the awareness of people about environment, and so on), and at the first people judges my nationality before they listen to my content.

I am not the one who easily provocated by Indonesian's Media nor the stupid provocator who's always telling us to hate each other. I am not the one who easily give up, when the environment gives me such pressure and assumtion.

Yeah, i can't lie... it's hard to deal with such pressure in social awareness and my nationality lookslike here. it's hard to take time for my campus' assignments, but it was kind of satisfication everytime I finished my workshop and I can see the audience put their smile and get new perception about me.

I don't believe in words: think globally, act locally. for me, there's nothing local and global. as long as you always commited to your duty. as long as you know what's your responsibility and purpose. the amout, the number, and your nationality can't determine who you are.

if someone asks me why i choose to dedicate myself in environment. I always said. "Because these earth need someone to fight for them"

and my question for you, "do you want to join with me?"

Conducting workshops around Kuala Lumpur Malaysia, race the awareness of young generation to pay attention to environment. gain support for Borneo Island to stop Deforestation.

things I just knew about him

2011-02-22T06:49:00.000-08:00

well, it's not because he asked me to write something about him but i really mean it when i thought about him and realized that he changed me a lot in a short period of time.

i might not know all the things about him rite now (and actually it's kind of treasure that i want to dig deeper and deeper everyday...)

soooo.... here are the fun facts about him:

1. he loves aircrafts and its stuff. he said that,

"aircraft is like a woman, when you touch it slow and gentle it'll work on its best performance. but if you treat'em poorly it'll respond bad to you"

"aircrafts are more faithful than womens"

2. his favorite quote is: "Son, someday you will make a girl very happy, for a short period of time. Then she'll leave you and be with new men who are ten times better than you could ever hope to be. These men are called pilots."

3. he's kind of family man :)

4. even he's not really talk about it, i knew that he was so inspired by his father

5. until now, i don't know his favorite foods. i mean, he told to me that he loves pecel, but i think he has another likes and dislikes.

6. he dressed casually. but his profession turns him to dressed more formal and neatly... people starts to confuse about his age. but, i love mature person thou, for me everything's ok! :)

7. he can't drink coffee while i drink coffee a lot.

8. he's not type of movie watcher or a book reader, but he letting me to talk about any books that i liked and he trys to get into me... i appreciate that, really <3>

9. he discuss most of things with his mom. kind of sweet rite?

10. do i mention that he's a pilot?

11. his favorite number is even number like "4" but mine is like 13 or 26 or 6. that was so different but I think his number is "1" cause he always get into the number 1.

12. he loves his childhood memory as well

13. he was been in a difficult time, but now everything's better... but sometime, it can't make him happier. i hope i can made him put a smile in his face everyday... someday :)

14. he shares his dark sides with me

15. even he said he's not a romantic person, i thought he has poetic sides with his own ways.

16. did i mention that he knows more about religion than i do? yes, he's kind of good moslem.

17. even he doesn't mention it, i know that he has many bestfriends that he usually count them on.

18. i can see that he's a leader, even i never be in his leadership before

20. he likes strawberry

21. he has a stratch mark in his left cheek

22. he got piercings in his right ear

23. this number has a meaning for both of us ;)

24. he said when he gets angry he can shouting to everyone, and i hope he's not going to shout me in futures.

25. even he doesnt mention it often, but i know sometime he does really strick diet. i think he needs more excercise and healthy meals.

26. he aprriciates homemade foods.

27. he wants to see his grandchildrens

28. for me, he's special. his stories, his thoughts, his beliefs, he's kind of person who you'll easily talk to and you can't get bored of his depth of visions.

29. he loves simple things but sometime his thoughts turn to complicated. he's just ordinary guy who loves band concerts, watch footbals, and dream to have a modify car. but everyday i talk to him more and more, then i know that i love him not only because he's such a good material husband, but also he complete me in very unusual ways.

i hope after write them all, i can read this post again and again everytime i get angry over him.

ah, i forgot something!

30. do i told you that he has a very ear-catchy name for me? his name is Mukhammad Alfisyahr Anwar

(i love his "h" and "r" in Alfisyahr, it sounds so ear-catchy for me <3)

get drunk in melaka

2011-02-20T03:11:00.000-08:00

i packed my things and bought ticket to melaka, slept at backpacker's hostel, chit chat with friends in street bar, living like a tourist by sat in a good cafe.

now i start to worry about my financial stability, but i hope i can survive until end of march. melaka was so beautiful, and i hope i can be there again with someone that really important for me.

i see so many beautiful places, portugese buildings, chinesee, and indians. i bought bangles from indian store, and it was pretty cheap. (the only thing that i bought for myself).

from now and on, i promise to myself to think about myself more. since i realized, i always hurt meself and never think about my own happiness. i need to be let myself, be free, be happy.

at night, my friends get drunk and start to tell everyone whole story, it was fun, and amazing. 4 countries, sat in one table, get drunk, talking about love, sex, past, and future.

now i know, every woman in this world, even the bitter one, at least ever believe in love. and get hurt, once, in a lifetime.

melaka, the opengate city to south east asia. melaka, 1 destination, 4 countries, 5 girls, one story: broken heart.

2011-02-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

when i want to stay, there's always something unsolved

when i want to leave, there's always something called love.

i got a stupid heart

maybe that's why i always sad.

2011-02-18T07:38:00.000-08:00

damn, i lose myself tonite. i can't do it anymore. i need to quit, i don't care. screw my heart! i feel pissed off.

i want to be single and live happier. i can't afford it anymore.

my professional life was good, but my personal life. i don't know how to say.

i lose my control today. i pissed off.

i need to give up.

(it's different between i want to and i need to)

in case, i think i shud take some space for myself. pack my things and enjoy my travelling/working moment.

screw all the intuition, screw the flight attendant, screw me, and screw you.

i shud know that i need space for myself. i want to be selfish.

this time, i don't care what ppl say. this time, i want to take care of myself.

i can be silent.

that's my 2nd best ability.

and i enough with anything twisted from this stupid life.

i want to curse!

i want to piss everyone who bothers me tonite!

damn!

lemonade

2011-02-14T21:30:00.000-08:00

my love for you, is just like this...

light

simple

happy

perfect mate under perfect sky

2011-02-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

am worrying a lot, how his life there... he needs someone besides him, not my intention being this far. am crying like a child.

i can't do anything.

i feel useless and lost.

he didn't reply my texts. how life's there?

am strong, i can beat anything here, but i can't stop worrying his life there.

the only exception

2011-02-14T19:20:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to paramore the only exception rite now, what a deep lyrics flood in my nerves. i mean, all of us, at least have one exception of everything.

what's your exception?

day goes by, far far away from my home. actually i feel numb. i don't know which one is better, staying at home and do my routines or go somewhere, meets new peoples, but none will beside me.

and even the extreemest one will say, "someday you will need someone besides you"

is it sweet? i think it's ironic.

i really want to be independent and do all the things by myself, but at the end, i want a family. yeah, i need someone to rely on. and it means it needs a consequence.

so, which one is better?

God, am crying...

i really happy when i can help so many peoples, give those kids environmental educations, taking care of children in shelter home, share so many cultural experiences with my forigner friends, prevent this earth from extinction. a lot things to do.

but i want a family. a good family. i want my own kids, taking care of them, teach them with experiences, and living together.

Micha, a friend from German said to me: "that's life, you will always get some and lose some..."

true!

so, which one is better?

everything becomes twisted, since i think too much. because i can't logic all the things. that's why we have at least one exception.

one exception to sneak out from routines

one exception to lie to our lover

one exception to stay

one exception to hold someone too long until it hurts

one exception to cry

one exception.

Dear lover, would you notice? but if you're not. then, maybe i need to wait.

Dear my Lord, Do you hear my pray? give me some clues... am lost.

Dear my heart, please don't sad....don't cry....

night is killing

2011-02-09T08:30:00.001-08:00

i had a lot of fun today, but my mood turns to blue at night. i don't know why, mostly because i can't keep in touch with family, bestfriend, and of course nothing to do with...you know... hidden relationship.

i went to different religion relationship before, but i don't need to hide from everyone. just parents.

and it's quite easy, since i did professional relationship thou.

and this one, i also try to be professional. i don't know is it going well or not. but i still can manage my mood. even sometime, it's really...you know... unbearable!

i want to share something like any other couple.

does my feeling is not important?

i don't blame anyone

i mean, i choose this way.

i choose this hard way, i have to take some consequences.

i try to trust my boyfriend. i know, logically it's silly! am i girl who's always being cheated, and i try to trust someone who told me that he was a jerk. can you imagine that?

like i never learn.

but i don't know, his words kind of sugar. i can't resist his charm.

and we have purpose, that's the most important.

that's why i keep going with this.

keep going

keep going....

while the night is killing...

i try to keep going,

keep going

meet my new friends

2011-02-08T01:04:00.000-08:00

i post this post from my dorm at Universiti Putra Malaysia Serdang. it's 5pm here, and still the sun shines up front.

i just wake up from my quick nap, my roomate Nahako is doing her presentation about HIV AIDS and im just too tired to follow her.

today, i went to shelter home and playing with kids, they are lived with HIV AIDS, i didn't do HOPE project actually, im working on environmental issue yet our workshop starts lil bit late, that's why i gather to another project.

it's amazing to speak with people from different race and nationality. my friends, Quentin from Belgium is like our team leader, he speaks little but he always leads the team. we always listen to him, he talks to the driver, he leads the game, and i don't know... he just had that aura. leader.

another leader is Steff, she's from Sidney, she graduated this year, so...she's not as young as i am. she talks like lady, the chin high up front, and her lovely green eyes, and she points to anyone anywhere. she looks great.

she had travelled around the wrold, travel for travel, she ever come to Europe and North Africa alone. can you imagine that??

am in whoaaaaa..... i always have a dream to visit Africa and play with simba, but i never i could do it all alone.

my roomate Nahoko is really special, she turned 22 yesterday, but she looks very young, like 16. like any other Japanesse, she sleeps at the bus and everywhere during the transportation takes time. but, she doesnt love to walk. i mean, our Europe buddies love to take awalk....a long run one. Nahoko and I just hate it. we're so tiny.... we always step behind others.

a girl from Hongkong named Olivia, she's gorgeous... yea, just like other beautiful girl in our national magazine. then i wonder, why some beautiful girls from Indonesia shud have those criteria to mention as a beauty. i mean, it's not our natural.

we are not born to have those shiny skins, or brown silk hair, but we change our natural to seomething plastic...just to be "like" beautiful.

i met a lot new peoples, Mariam pdD from Iran that offers me to have a trip to Bali together, the co star Pedro from Brazil, he's such a spoil. he born to flirts, i think. Mike the actor, from Greece. Chi the lovely from Myanmar, and Veronica from Kazakh. you know what, why all the Veronicas always identic with blackhair, black eyelashes, like a rockqueen.

well, they are so many story, but i can't write them all rite know, my point is, the more people i meet, the more i realize my value and my existance is also important.

2011-02-07T09:28:00.001-08:00

I'm dying.... Loving someone that you I couldn't even meet.
I'm dying.... I want to see him more, touch, talks, and just seeing him around.
I'm dying.... wait him to come.

I'm dying....am dying....
Dear my Lord, tell me what I have to do?

Distance
Obstacles
Romance
Trust
Dreams
Love

Well, thank God, You gave me chance to know him, watch him, love him. I never be like this before...

He brought me best,
He teach me how to be wise
He give me a reason to live
A reason to smile...

Bless him, dear my Lord....
I'll watch him in distance...
My pray, my protection, my loyalty, and affection....I want to be his angel.
Like an angel.

I love You Allah.
I love him because I love You.

Good morning :)
Sent by DiGi from my BlackBerry® Smartphone

Black Swan Review

2011-02-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

it's interesting to read Nassim Nicholas Taleb's book: Black Swan.
i rated this book with 5 stars twisted minds of the year.
how braves he defeat Plato's theory and any other intellectual's masterpiece.

Black Swan: uncertainty things that happened, but we always miscalculate. or never really care.

at first his words are really complex and hard to understand.

namun lama kelamaan, waktu kita membiarkan buku itu bercerita, ide itu terasa benar walau aneh.
banyak sekali hal-hal di dunia ini yang aneh.
hal-hal yang kita harapkan terjadi namun tidak terjadi.
hal-hal yang tidak pernah kita bayangkan akan terjadi, nyatanya terjadi.

kebanyakan buku-buku, kata-kata bijak, dan petuah-petuah berkata: hidup adalah akumulasi dari pengulangan-pengulangan.
kelahiran-pertemuan-perpisahan-kematian.

semua berulang lagi.
semua dulu pernah terjadi.
dan aku juga berpikir dengan pola itu, sebelumnya.

lalu pertanyaannya: "apa yang membuat hidup ini maju? jika semua yang ada di dunia adalah perulangan."

cinta-sakit hati-pertemanan-permusuhan-mengingat-melupakan.

Taleb pursues us to believe that actually this world leads by something uncommon. Taleb yakin jika dunia ini berbeda karena satu lompatan-lompatan ekstreem yang tidak pernah dipertimbangkan oleh semua orang.

karena semua orang terfokus pada hal-hal yang sudah semua orang ketahui, dan tidak pernah memperhitungkan hal-hal ekstreem. nyatanya, kehidupan menjadi maju karena hal-hal yang ekstreem.

1. Penemuan Lampu
2. Penemuan Komputer
3. Fenomena Internet
4. Fenomena Facebook
5. Kisah Harry Potter
6. Serangan 11 September

dan siapa yang memperkirakan hal tersebut terjadi? hampir semua peramalan (ekonomi, politik) merupakan bualan besar, perhitungan yang terlalu presisi. Padahal tidak ada hal yang terjadi begitu presisi sesuai dengan hitungan kita.

Taleb berusaha menceritakan, membuat pembaca percaya, terimalah ketidakpastian. pelajarilah sesuatu yang sangat ekstreem untuk mengetahui hal-hal yang sifatnya lebih umum.

Ibaratnya, saat kita ingin mengetahui kepribadian seseorang, janganlah lihat kehidupan sehari-harinya. Namun lihatlah bagaimana dia mengatasi kesulitan-kesulitan sangat hebat dalam hidupnya.

diharapkan dengan cara pandang tersebut, kita dapat mempergunakan peluang Black Swan. peluang yang aneh, dan mengubah dunia. mengubah hidup kita.

Seperti buku Malcom Gadwell yang sangat terkenal abad ini: Outliers. Bahkan faktanya, pemimpin-pemimpin terbaik dunia berasal dari kalangan minoritas atau yang tidak diperhitungkan.

Seorang Barrack Obama yang afro dan kidal.
Bill Gates yang tidak pernah lulus kuliah.
Bethoven yang tuli.
dan masih banyak lagi tokoh-tokoh hebat dunia, yang, sebenarnya secara logika umum, tetap saja terasa ganjil.

"do not stare at the books that already read, figure out the things undiscovered and uncertain."

"we are a human. lives by instinct, loves with heart, act based emotions, and dreams trough minds..."

happy life, happy read universe!

What if

2011-02-02T05:44:00.000-08:00

World is a complicated place
you can hide from the world
But not from yourself.

At times, the world distracts you from who you are, and what you are.

At times, the world brings you down, and you feel unloved.

At times, you feel lost
At times, you feel so alive
At times, you feel nothing.

And the best thing from this world,
Is a chance.

There's lot of possibility,
A lot of people to meet up
A lot of story...
Yet needs a long long journey.

But, what if....you mean the world for me.
What if....you're my world?
Can I hide from you?

2011-01-30T18:40:00.001-08:00

Memang paling enak kalo nge-junk di blog, karena nggak banyak orang yang liat.

Well, report-report...

I step into (I hope) my last relationship.
Well, not yet, a happy ending story...
It just like a new beginning.

I don't know why I turns to him...well, logically, it will be difficult for both of us.

Or it will proof that I love challenge that much? I don't know.
He's a pilot, and he doesn't have much time.

He's a pilot with too many girls around.
He's a man, who wants a feminine girl besides him (I really work for that)
He's a man, who wants a full time wife at home (I'm still dealing with it).
He's a man, that really gentleman!

For some girls, it just like a dream...hey I got a pilot on my side.
But for me, it's little..okay.. So much..confusing.

What about my dreams?
What about dozens stewardess around him?
Why he's too cold in public?

Well maybe, he doesn't love me that much, but I'm dying to see him happy.
I want to be with someone like him, in my future.

Besides in these couple days, I'm going to KL for internship. And I don't know if I could contact him as intense as in Surabaya.

And I don't know does he really keep his faith for me. I'm afraid he will cheat behind my back.... I know I trust him.

I trust him, that he's serious with me.
I trust him, that he won't let me down.

But I can't trust him, if its related to other girls.... I can be so cold and not care. But I can't prevent my heart from another pain.

Pain to pain...
I know, loving him, is my new chapter, of pain to pain.

Well, last but not least, I won't give up that easy.
I won't give up on him!!

I heart him.
Alfisyahr ♥

Hhhhhhhhh

2011-01-30T18:17:00.001-08:00

Rasanya sepanjang apapun menghela nafas, tetep aja ada yang ganjel di sini (hati).

Kenapa semua harus begini?
Senang
Sedih
Sakit
Bahagia
Sayang

Apa hati itu selalu begitu bodoh untuk memilih jalan yang susah?

Sepintar-pintar apapun perempuan, sangat sulit membohongi hatinya
╮("╯_╰)╭

I just go with the flow...a water's best.
I just go with the flow... And let see what kind of surprise does this life bring to me.

I just go with the flow, and none knows how this water could turn to be.

I just go with the flow, give my best: affection and loyalty...
I just go with the flow, to feel pain to pain, that my heart always comand me to do so...

With you, all the things seems so blur..but with you, that's my heart has decide.

What shud I say?
I just go with the flow...

Kalianlah Sinar Mataharinya

2011-01-27T10:21:00.000-08:00

"sepintar apapun seorang wanita, dia akan selalu mengikuti hatinya. setidaknya sekali dalam hidupnya."

seperti cokelat yang lumer di lidah, apapun kata-kata manis yang diungkapkan seorang pria adalah candu yang ingin terus menerus didengar. wanita mana yang tidak suka dipuji?

"berhatilah seperti seorang wanita, namun berpikirlah sebagai seorang pria"

jangan terganggu dengan lemak yang dihadirkan oleh cokelat, namun buatlah hal tersebut sebagai alasan untuk berolahraga.

tunjukkan padaku satu wanita yang tidak pernah menangis. dan tentu kau tidak akan menemukan wanita seperti itu di dunia ini.

jangan menghindari takdir. biar kan takdir tersebut menuntunmu.

dan wanita selalu dibekali insting yang bagus untuk itu.

biarkan hidup yang membuatmu lebih kuat, setiap harinya.

dan buatlah seorang pria menghormatimu.

begitulah nantinya seorang wanita mendidik anak-anaknya.

dan aku adalah seorang wanita.

setiap wanita, unik, indah, dan berbeda.

tak heran pria mengkoleksi kami sebanyak mungkin, seperti kolektor perangko atau kartu pos.

akulah koleksinya.

dan akulah yang berhak menentukan berapa harga yang harus dibayar untuk itu.

akulah yang menunjukkan hargaku.

dan hargaku tidak murah.

Pria, kau harus menukar semua perangko koleksimu untuk mengkoleksiku. jika tidak.

jangan pernah berpikir, aku akan sepenuhnya jadi milikmu.

dan jika kau tidak berminat kepadaku,

oh tidak apa-apa.

kami para wanita, tau benar bagaimana caranya bersikap angkuh dan tidak peduli.

kami selalu menemukan cara, untuk menarik kolektor yang lainnya.

kami bisa bersikap manis, berpakaian sopan, memakai perias, sedikit nakal, sedikit manja.

hanya untuk memberi tahu pada dunia, atau mungkin orang lain.

"kau mungkin mencampakkan aku. tapi, aku masih bisa hidup, aku selamat."

pada akhirnya, pria dan wanita diciptakan untuk saling melengkapi. dan pada akhirnya, cerita yang sama selalu berulang kembali. dari generasi ke generasi.

Wanita, dimanapun ia berada...tersenyumlah untuk detik ini. karena kalian hebat.

Kalianlah yang membuat dunia ini lebih indah.

Kalianlah sinar mataharinya.

it's so freakin' me out

2011-01-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

call me patetic, while all my words dedicated to sorrow, pain, and emptiness.

and when the happiness comes, i don't know what to do.

HOPE-ing is also my favorite, i know, it's silly, stupid.

it just like, i never learnt.

well, i can't lie to myself. day by day, surprise to surprises... i think words are not enough. i want to know more and more.

while, you're kind of my new addiction of surprise.

why does it's hard to speak?

2011-01-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

something that i left unspoken.

doesn't mean that i don't want to get any answer, but i wait.

i wait for the perfect time, i wait for someone knocks in front of my heart to say, "Hi Lady, i'm not a bad guy.."

for those moments, i'll wait forever.

i'm not the girl who's gonna lie to you

i'm not the girl who's gonna bring you down

i'm not the spoil one

i'm not the girl whose "wanna haves" desease

i'm not the girl for "hi" and "leaves"

i'm the girl who always wait

i'm the girl who prides honesty

i'm the strong one

family is a priority,

commitment is majesty

for me, love comes from the simple things, a comfort relationship, trust, also honesty.

it doesn't mean if i had bad romance in the past so i don't want to have any romance in future.

i want it.

i believe something good is about to happen, if i choose to remain in the good side of me.

i believe i deserve for someone who has commitment, loyalty...a perfect lover.

that's why it's hard to speak.

because this one, i want to build for last.

and if it's not. then i should have wait...

wait like forever

2011-01-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

watching you while you're asleep, is the best thing i could did..